Pet Hates

The government continually urging us to cut use of the private car, overlooking the fact that the British public transport system is too unreliable to be relied upon. If there's one area in which the Krauts beats us Brits hands down, it's in terms of the reliability and efficiency of their public transport system.
People (keeping an open mind about things, but old people) who drive really slowly when you're waiting to cross the road, and by the time they pass you, there's another car coming on the other/same side of the road (or several-hundred tailgating behind them, as the case may well be), necessitating a ridiculously long wait. Stick to your free bloody bus passes.
On TV, when the finishing theme tune you like to a programme is interrupted to tell us what's on next Tuesday etc, and by the time they stop talking, the said theme tune has finished. Don't they know that, in many cases, 99% of a programme's appeal is its finishing theme tune?
In supermarkets, when people stop their trolley right in front of you, thus preventing you from getting past (so absent minded). Would they brake, suddenly, on a dual carriageway? Should supermarkets introduce trolley-handling practical and theory tests?
Those taps in public toilets that turn off the very second you take your hand off them, making it very difficult to wash your hands. This is especially bemusing if there is a sign saying 'Please wash your hands' on the wall.
When you pick up the phone for all of two seconds, and are told by the woman with the damned annoying '1950s advertisment' voice, that the number you have dialled has not been recognised, so to "replace the handset and try again."
Television advertisments for pension plans/stairlifts/mobility scooters/insurance companies/carpets/funeral expenses/Craftmatic adjustable beds/compensation claims. How cheerful for us all to have Frank Windsor (complete with fishing rod) gracing our screens, chanting lines such as "Many people our age would......", "You can go on enjoying life, with Sun Life." And Thora Hird should've stuck to long-running vintage BBC sitcoms. Besides: surely televisual advertisments aimed at old people represent counter-productivity; everyone knows that people over the age of about 56 watch only the BBC channels.
When addresses to write off to at the end of programmes are left up for all of five seconds.
Men who brand women as 'slappers': but who still expect the said women to sleep with them, or despite their behaviour being just as bad.
Women who exclaim that "All men are bastards", as if women are perfect.
Political correctness: And the associated myth that only whites can be racist, and that only men can be sexist.
Pop-up internet windows: They cut up typing.
Pages on the net that take ages to load.....ten seconds is two hours, in internet page loading time.
Sloppy punctuation.
Having to fill out forms.
Sport of any description (and yes, this includes football), and the fact that 99.99% of other guys seem obsessed with football.
People who don't shut up about music.
People, in general, who say that such and such is their life (i.e. "Music/football is my life"), as if to say that anyone who isn't that particular thing might as well not bother talking to them (people that say that either "The internet is my life" or "smartass.org.uk is my life", however, are excluded from this).
People who talk about quiet people as if they're the Spawn of Satan: "Oh, he's quiet", they'll say, as if to be quiet is to have an acute case of leprosy, or is the greatest crime on this earth.
Anything to do with buses: their unreliability; their popularity with tracksuit-wearing Chavs/Townies, single mothers and old people (i.e. the lowest forms of life on the planet); their crowdedness; their jerkiness (ever tried standing up on a bus around corners, lacking something to hold on to?). As much as I like to see old people giving driving a miss (see above), having to wait for them to get on and off buses (if in front of me, in the case of the latterly-mentioned case scenario) is a nightmare. From the old woman who feels compelled to hold up the bus with her weak legs and opinion regarding the day's weather, to the young mother with six kids and eight pushchairs to juggle and the Townie without the correct change but plenty of spittle and attitude to compensate, buses really do represent the form of transport from Hell. But hey: do you hear me complaining????
Double glazing salespeople (door or phone).
Supplements in newspapers.
Dogs that keep barking, for no apparent reason; at least kids understand 'shut up, or you'll get no tea.'
People who conduct loud mobile phone conversations in public. What you did over the weekend may well be of great interest to you and whoever is having the misfortune of talking to you, but it isn't to the rest of the bus, deary.
People who ask you to text them, automatically assuming you have a mobile (not that this is a particularly naive assumption, in this day and age).
Old people getting off/on the bus, in front of you. Get out of my f***ing way (despite being hinted at above, this point merits its own bullet point)!
Old people who seem to think you should respect them just for being old (why the hell would you respect someone who can't even dress themselves?). The young can criticise the old without being hypocritical, but the same can't be said about the old over the young, arguably.
My ISP throwing me off after 2 hours.
People smoking too close to me (when you think about it, it's careless on their part to inflict passive smoking on others). You may have formerly submitted to peer pressure and developed a dependency on nicotine which you retain to this very day, but I haven't, so spare my lungs, please.
People saying "Wassup" or "Wazzup" out of the blue.....when did I ever say that something 'was up'?
Popstars with little or no talent (i.e. 99% of today's bunch), earning millions based on other factors, such as looks.
Old people continually referring to "the good old days". Lower crime is one thing, but wiping one's arse on toilet paper, risking hypothermia in the Winter and high infant mortality are other matters entirely.
The lack of 1980s kids' programmes repeats on TV: they repeat sitcoms and the like, errr, repeatedly, so why not kids' programmes? For a start, kids' programmes are aimed at a smaller audience, that outgrow which, than are, say, sitcoms, and hence after any given period, the drawbacks of repeating (i.e. the target audiences having seen the programmes before) would be virtually non-existent. Why waste time and money on new kids' programmes? Why not educate the new generations with the likes of 'Bertha,' 'Bananaman' and 'Button Moon?' Give the poor little buggers the best start possible in life, in this world, I say. Plus, it'd give me something to do between drinking sessions; everyone'd be a winner.
In an exam, when you change one of your answers, only to find that you were right first-time.
Not applicable to me anymore, but when the teacher asked you the answer to the one question you didn't know the answer to.
Also not applicable to me anymore, but when the teacher asked a question to the class, and someone else said something that I was going to say (which happened to be a really good answer, illustrating perfectly the high levels of intellect I once had).
P.E. teachers making their pupils go out in the cold wearing hardly anything, yet wearing warm coats etc themselves. Sadists the lot of them. P.E. Teaching degrees may as well be renamed 'Applied Sadism'.
Holidays being rained off.
Junkmail that isn't even funny, clogging up my inbox: it is every net nerd's nightmare, trying to stick to Hotmail account size limits, whilst keeping every e-mail off every internet friend ever, and receiving fifty e-mails a day detailing how to increase our manhood.
Missing good TV programmes: not that this is too much of an issue, given today's Terrestrial TV line-up.
Sites with little or no content getting more hits than mine.
Being made to get out of bed to take a phonecall (fancy ringing me before Midday).
People singing crap songs in your ear (regardless of whether they can actually sing or not).
Footballers who keep demanding to be paid more, despite earning far too much already.
Hypocrisy.
Insects: those that buzz in your ear, causing you to jump like a halfwit; wasps that won't leave you alone, if you're holding an ice lolly; the flies that don't seem to recognise that there's no getting through a closed window; moths that flutter in your face.
Having to queue up for ages behind someone seemingly under the impression that they're to survive in an Anderson Shelter for the next twelve months, and buying a year's supply of shopping, when all you're buying is a packet of crisps.
The phone ringing when I'm watching TV.
When you ring somewhere up, and your call is 'being held in a queue', and they start playing you Godawful music, stopping every five seconds to remind you that your call's being held, lest you suffer an amnesia attack and forget just exactly why you're holding the phone.
Security lights that go off for no damned reason (the bright one across the road from me that comes on every morning at 3.00 in particular).
Car alarms that keep going off (the one near me that goes off every morning at 4.00 in particular).
When you can't stop coughing around other people: we're all familiar with having a tickly throat that forces you to cough every few seconds, and the embarrassment associated with which, in public. Any attempt to stifle coughs merely irritates further one's throat; any attempt to let things take their natural course causes embarrassment and annoyance to those around one; any attempt to make big one cough to end all coughs, takes courage. What a dilemma.... Still: Techwen Whittock coped admirably, in front of a few-hundred-strong 'Who wants to be a millionaire' audience.
When someone else can't stop coughing around you.
Porn ads on chatrooms: Yahoo! Chat ceases to be a pleasure, in the presence of so many porn-advertising 'bots. I have my beloved blow-up dolls to satisfy me, thank you very much.

The result of leaving your computer for ten minutes whilst Yahoo! Chat is running.
Sponsor ads at the beginning of programmes - they were a novelty when they were a new thing (i.e. Cadbury's sponsor ads for Coronation Street (which I don't watch)), but Jesus, it doesn't half get tedious to see them at the beginning of every other ITV programme.
People parping their horns, in a seemingly angry way, just to greet a friend, deafening me in the process.
TV adverts/programmes that make men out to look stupid, with women always getting the better of them....do they not want men to buy their products? Does this sort of advertising style really attract women?
Going away to a hot country, and missing a heatwave here.
The ridiculous number of reality TV shows on, as of late. I mean, Big Brother may have came as something of a breakthrough in TV entertainment, representing a breath of fresh air to us all.....but hell.....Celebrity Big Brother? Big Brother Teens? The Salon? Fame Academy? Pop Idol? The Driving School? It's all getting a bit much, and the novelty's well and truly worn off. TV producers should remember that you can have too much of a good thing.
When you walk into a fastfood joint/takeaway place without a queue, and the goon working there immediately says "Yes please", despite it being blatantly obvious that you're looking on the boards at what's available, still deciding what you want to have......give me a bit of time to decide, you impatient little bastard.
Places that don't seem to realise that Christmas falls on December 25th, not October 25th. A restaurant near me, for example, puts up a massive Christmas tree at the beginning of October, and most city centres turn on their Christmas lights at the beginning of November. By the time Christmas actually comes, the novelty of seeing the said decorations has always worn off. Christmas is only one single day, for God's sake; let's not set ourselves up for an anti-climax.
The fact that political correctness 'battles' against certain types of discrimination, yet not against others. Saying something racist or sexist is seen as a hangable offence (please don't think I'm defending either two of these things, here), yet calling someone 'ugly' or 'a geek' is often seen as funny, and quite often by the same people who seem so very against racism etc. Almost seems as if a lot of so-called political correcters don't come from a position of morals, but more because they see anti-racism etc as 'cool'; if someone is against one type of discrimination, such as racism (which is a good thing), they should be opposed to all types of discrimination. Why should different weightings be placed on different types of discrimination, in society?
People who accuse people who like to discuss their problems/their dissatisfaction with life etc as 'feeling sorry for themselves'. For their information, it really helps to talk about things, and at any rate, it's easy for people with relatively few problems to say.
People who accuse people who talk about suicidal feelings they may harbour as 'attenion seeking'. Ignorant fucking c**ts.
People who whine that they're 'always single', just because they've been single for all of 3 months.
People that whine that they've 'not had sex in ages', if they've merely gone 6 months without it. Hell, I hate to so much as think for how long I went without it.
People who say things such as "You can get anything you want if you just get out there and get it, just be yourself". Umm, it's not exactly that easy, you naive sod. Quite spouting the cliches that should never have achieved 'cliche' status.
Religion. In my opinion, it causes a great deal of conflict in this world. For example, this whole Islam VS. Christianity thing....Jesus (or should I say 'Allah'), people.....what has this world come to if two 'groups' of people have to kill each other over something with about as much truth behind it as the story of the Tooth Fairy. Make love, not war (well, actually, make neither, you dirty, dirty bastards).
Hunting. People wouldn't shoot another human being, and neither should they shoot a small animal/bird; the life of an animal is, in my eyes, of less value than that of a human (well, in most cases, anyway...), but animals do definitely feel pain just as humans do. There are more humane ways of controlling genuine pests than hunting, and the pleasure hunters get from killing is more than evident. The Royal Family are perhaps the most 'prolific' hunters in the UK. Strange, seeing as they seem quite decent people, in other respects, carrying out charity work and all.
People online, whose first question is "Have you got a pic?".
The way that it's (quite rightfully) seen as wrong for a man to hit a woman, but how, on many TV programmes/adverts, it's seen as comedy for a woman to physically harm a man (a man being kicked in the bollocks by a woman always seems to amuse people, for some reason - and this isn't necessarily just women), and this is despite men apparently having lower pain thresholds. I'm not blaming people for considering it worse for a man to hit a woman than it is for a woman to hit a man, but things are going too far when a man hitting a woman is seen as a hangable offence, but a woman hitting a man is seen to constitute comedy.
When you can't tell what someone else is saying, and have to keep asking them to repeat themselves, thus making you feel bad/embarrassed. I've found this to be a particular problem in Wolverhampton, Newcastle, some parts of Cornwall and any part of Scotland......
People in public who stare at you, not even looking away when you stare back at them.
People who automatically assume that slim blokes are also weedy: What has the size of your waist got to do with how muscular you are?
Good programmes being cancelled in favour of sport.
People setting off fireworks throughout October, not realising that they're intended for Bonfire Night (and anyway, what is the big deal about fireworks? When you've seen one display, you've seen them all, and the noise they make is so Goddamned annoying).
TV programmes I'd like to watch the both of, clashing with one another.
TV adverts that don't seem to bear any relevance to the product which they supposedly advertise.
In public changing rooms (such as at gyms/swimming pools), the way that other men walk/stand about naked in full view......I'd really rather not see this, so kindly cover yourself with a towel at the first possible opportunity, mate.
People who go mad over dogs (I'm putting this in half-heartedly, though, dear dog lovers). I'm not saying I have anything against our canine 'friends', but I do think they're somewhat overrated; they're only cute as puppies, they're dirty, they take a shedload of looking after, and they bark incessantly when I'm breaking into their homes (just kidding). They also crap all over the pavement (sidewalk). Cats over dogs, anytime.
People who cheat on their partners: This is just something that has always disgusted me. If you feel the need to be unfaithful, then you shouldn't even be with your partner in the first place, and you're not doing yourself or them any favours. If someone was unfaithful to me, I'd not be able to forgive them. Just as well this is something I'll most likely never have to worry about.
When you're in a shop/pub, and the shop assistants just stand around talking, when it's obvious that you're waiting: Don't rush on my account, mate....
When you're in a shop/pub, and are waiting in a queue, and people who haven't been waiting as long keep getting served before you: It's as if the assistant/worker has something against serving you, or as if you're invisible. I've had workers seemingly look straight through me, while waiting to be served, before serving someone else. Do you have to be a loud, bumbling extrovert before you can get served?
Teachers who can't speak coherent English: Now, don't get me wrong, there is seriously nothing xenophobic/racist meant by this, but it just puts you at a huge disadvantage as regards making progress with a module if the teacher for the said module seems to have about as firm a grasp of the English language as David Beckham. Jesus.
People who lead people on (i.e. romantically) only to change their mind about things/people who dump a partner, without giving so much as a proper reason, only to act as if they're the victim in all of it when the other person (who's, understandably, hurting badly) so much as contacts them to try to ask for an explanation, often accusing them of 'harassing' them etc, while overlooking the great upset they themselves have caused. Some people need to take some responsibility for their own actions.
People who aren't particularly good looking, demanding any potential partner of theirs be gorgeous: Technically, this shouldn't really be seen as any worse than anyone thinking this way, but Jesus, it does seem hypocritical if someone expects their looks not to be an issue with potential partners, yet dismisses romantically anyone who they themselves consider below par.
People standing about in doorways (especially when the culprits are in groups): I don't really think I need to elaborate much.....just a really stupid thing to do.
People in groups walking really slowly in front of me, and taking up the whole pavement, thus preventing me from overtaking.
Cold, miserable weather: Cold wind blowing in my face is particularly depressing.
People who make a fuss over a bit of rain: Trying desperately not to contradict myself, here (see pet hate above), but I always find it hard to fathom how people can get so upset over a few drops of rain, acting as though the few raindrops falling are, in fact, 2 kg hailstones.
Women who say things like "Men would die if they had to have babies/periods". How on earth can anyone say that? A man's never once had a baby/period, to the best of my knowledge. I suppose technically, a man would die if an unborn baby that'd somehow gotten inside of him was trying to find its way out, but I don't quite think this is what is meant by the statement. At any rate, it's not really an easy thing to judge, being as men's bodies aren't designed for having babies. I mean, I can't even imagine what it would feel like to have to squeeze a little sprog out. Granted, it's a downsider to being female, and men are lucky that they'll never have to go through a pregnancy, but it annoys me when people make statements that can never be proved/backed up. I simply don't understand why the fact that women are the ones who get pregnant necessarily means that they're the ones with the higher pain thresholds....does the logic necessarily follow? It's not that I'm in any way opposed to the idea of women having higher pain thresholds than men - only of people saying things that lack support/logic. I'm not saying that all women say this, though, so no offence is intended. I'd just rather hear women saying things such as "Men are so lucky not to have to undergo pregnancies" (which I'd agree with), than doubtful things such as "Men would die if they had to have babies".
People who can't shut up (in reality; not on, say, errr, 'What hacks me off?' pages): I can't stand people who seem to like the sound of their own voice. I realise that there seems to be a great demand for people who can't even stop talking long enough to pause for breath, and that this 'quality' gets you further in life, but hell, why can't some people let someone else speak for a change. As an example, I was watching a rented DVD with a few others, a few weeks back, and one person just kept talking (making comments about the movie/its characters) while it was on, causing me to miss bits. I was thinking to myself: "Jesus Christ, can't you just shut up for one minute". 'The wise speak because they have something to say; fools speak because they have to say something'.
People who talk while watching TV/being in the company of others who are watching TV: "Listen, pal, just decide upon whether you want to either talk, or watch TV - one or the other, please. Every time you talk, I'm missing bits of the programme, so shut the hell up, you imbecile". Of course, I don't really say this, but it sure as hell can prove tempting to do so at times.
The 'I'm a bitch and proud' mentality which seems to plague the minds of too many: Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying men are any better - just that this whole school of thinking seems to attempt to make nastiness both fashionable and justifiable.
Ungratefulness: Do I even need to explain?
People who over-analyse others: Having been at university in communal households and the like for donkeys years, I have heard in on a lot of convos in which people seem to dissect someone else's personality, going on about it for hours, almost getting worked up over little things, and unfairly judging that person.....Jesus, people are only human, you know.
People who judge other people they meet instantly, and insist that everyone else makes snap judgements in a similar way, based on first impressions and nothing more (first impressions being things that last, and are impossible to shake off, some say). Errrr, no, mate: Everyone does not make a judgement without even bothering getting to know someone; I don't, for a start. That's that theory of yours already out the window.
People who believe in love at first sight: The words 'naive' and 'shallow' spring to mind.
People who insist that rich people are all snobs. I'm not remotely rich myself, but can see that this is probably just jealousy. I also don't see why rich people who've earned their money should be seen as arrogant for so much as feeling proud of their accomplishment. Being rich may not, in itself, make one a better person, but can well be indicative of determination and hard work. I can certainly think of worse ways of judging people.
People who take soap operas too seriously: Some people will talk about the characters in which as if they're real people, or get upset if a character dies. *Newsflash* it's not real. Don't try to make sense of storylines, because they're made up.
People who talk to their pets/babies in 'babytalk'.
People who talk to their pets/babies at all, come to think of it: They can't understand language, so you're wasting your time (God, I'm a miserable bastard).
When you're on the toilet, and have just released a crap and a half, and then come to the Godawful realisation that there's no toilet paper left (just kidding, but it must be quite a nasty situation to be in, don'tcha think?).
When grandparents/old relatives keep telling me how much I've grown every time they see me, despite the fact that I'm in my twenties and hence stopped growing a few years ago (will they every stop with such comments?).
My parents asking me when I'm going to 'find a girl'. It's not a game of Hide and Seek, mummy and daddy.
Parents caring more about my life/my future than I do, and seemingly trying to live through me, thus putting pressure on me to achieve various things, and causing me to feel as though I've let them down more than I have myself if I fail to perform to standard.
Passport pics: Who's that ugly git on the pics (which cost me �3.50 - �3.50 to feel ugly). Oh, it's me. That's funny. I don't remember pressing the 'Ugly' button (or should that be the 'Even Uglier' button?). And where did those spots/blemishes come from?
People taking pics of you without telling you beforehand: If I have to be photographed, I might as well at least try not to look like a moron for the shot.
People saying "It was only a joke", after saying something offensive, as if these five words justify what was said.
Spam e-mails that take ridiculous steps to persuade the recipient to forward them. "Send this to 10 people, and you'll fall in love with the partner of your dreams!!!!.......send this to no-one, and you'll be lonely for the rest of your life!!!!". It'll take more than the forwarding to 10 unfortunate people of a piss poor piece of spam to get me to find the 'partner of my dreams', I think. I also dislike those that try to make you feel guilty for not forwarding them: "For every person that this is forwarded to, one cent is given to help a little kid in hospital have an lifesaving operation". Yeah, right. Or even: "If you don't forward this, you'll have bad luck happen to you". Or, worst of all: "If you think I'm a good friend, send this back to me" *vomits*. I'll always be there for you, will give you a shoulder to cry on, I'd even die so you could live......but I draw the line at sending unfunny e-mails back to you. Grrrrhhhh.
When you're trying to walk about without being heard, and the floorboard creaks. I sympathise with the plight of burgulars.
When you're trying to eavesdrop on someone, and an ouside noise interferes with your 'progress' (i.e. when a car drives past, causing you to miss bits). an ever hope for.
People who complain that someone hasn't spoken to them, conveniently ignoring the fact that that other person could just as easily say the same thing about them.
People who support "Whoever's playing England": I don't really give a shit about football, and I'm not patriotic, but Jesus, you don't have to go all out to be offensive towards English people. It's obvious that there's a certain level of sub-conscious inferiority complex, to be attributed to the whole thing.
People who insist they they "couldn't live without a mobile". Errr, you lived without one for 20 years, you fool (I mean this in more healf-hearted a way than it sounds, as I know a lot of people say things like this, lol).
Rivalry between football supporters: Jesus, they're only supporters, just like you, only of a different team that you so happen to be playing today. They could just as easily have ended up supporting your team. Whatever happened to good sportsmanship?
Patriots: To be patriotic about one's country is surely all but to believe it's better than someone else's. It's only by pure chance that you ended up being born of a certain nationality, anyway. And have you yourself shaped the way the country is today? I hardly think so.
The way in which the Midlands is forgotten (in England, I mean): As a Midlander, I've been dubbed both a 'Northern Monkey' and a 'Southern Fairy' (this last one being the 'politest' of the terms given to 'Southerners'). Northerners seem to consider anyone from south of Yorkshire to be a 'Southerner', while a lot of Southerners seem to consider anyone North of Watford Gap Service Station to be a 'Northerner' (or is that the 'M1:The North' sign?). Anyway, do we have to have a so well defined (I don't think) North/South divide? Quit with the barriers, people.
Blokes who think hugging/making any form of physical contact with another bloke makes one a 'raving woofter'.
People who think that all homophobes are 'not comfortable with their own sexuality'. I'm sure this is the case in some cases, and I speak as one of the least homophobic people you could wish to meet (a friend of mine is bi/gay, and this is the only area in which I so much as come close to being politically correct *shudders*), but it's a rather silly argument. I mean, obviously, there are going to be some people who are just terribly small-minded about things. By a similar reckoning, you could say that all racists have issues regarding their race.
People who try to get people to do things that they don't want to: Such as people who may group together and put unfair pressure on someone to, say, go on a theme park ride they're scared of. If someone doesn't want to do something, then it's unfair to try and make them, and to make them feel as though they're letting everyone else down by not doing that thing. This happens a great deal on TV shows with an audience.
Chit chat: Who cares what the weather's like? I can see it's a nice day without being told by you, buster. And do you really care what time I left the house, and how the traffic was? It just all seems so forced, as harmless as it may be.
People who take their moods out on others: We can ALL occasionally get moody, but there's no excuse for acting as though it's someone else's fault.
People who act as though their problems are worse than those of others....it's not a competition.
When you're daydreaming/dreaming about something nice (and no, I don't mean necessarily something of that nature, you dirty git ), and get woken up suddenly: However hard you try, you can't remember what it was you were thinking about.
People who sign up the site 'Friends Reunited', but who don't bother putting anything about themselves: What do they think it is? An online school register? Think how boring the site'd be if no-one bothered putting anything about themselves. We (and, ironically enough, they) didn't sign up to the site, merely so we could be presented with a list of names.
People who say things like "I'm loving being single" or "Being single is great". Such people are blatantly just saying these things to try and make themselves feel better about being single. If being single was so great, why would people ever bother getting into relationships, anyway? The only way in whichbeing single is great is for your bank balance if you're a man.
Psychologists/Psychology students: It's hard ever to feel comfortable around such people; the worries regarding your every movement being analysed and you being treated like some kind ofn experiment are always present. "Oh, you're folding your arms - that's defensive, you know?". How about you either shut up, or try analysing what my fist down your throat means?
The limited availability of Irn-Bru in our shops: For God's sake, it's the nicest tasting drink in the world. If there's a Heaven, this orange, precious liquid pours out of its taps. It's much nicer than the likes of Coca Cola, so why is the stuff so scarce? Or is it just so lovely that I've always been pipped at the post, and it's always been sold out? If there's one thing I'll say for the Scottish, it's that they have good taste in soft drinks. OK, so this is only a matter of opinion, and, if there's a lack of supply for the product, chances are this has stemmed from a lack of demand.....but still, it's not right that I should have to try several shops before finding my tipple, while seeing shitty drinks such as Dr Pepper in every bloody shop.
The way that the dead are always spoken of so highly, for fear of negative comments seeming distasteful: A particularly good example of this is in newspapers, when it is reported that a teenage girl has been murdered, or a teenage boy beaten to death: the newspaper always quotes friends, teachers and relatives as speaking of them in a really positive light, more often than not commenting positively on their academic prowess. Do nasty, not too bright kids/teens never get killed?
People who say "Make the most of every minute, because you don't know how long you've got left": When you think logically about such a statement, it simply doesn't make sense. I mean, you either want to be 'living each day like it's your last', or you don't. You're hardly going to regret not doing certain things when you're dead, because you'll be dead. Why live your life in the fear of regretting something you'll never regret? People can say such dumb things. How do phrases so damned stupid ever attain 'cliche' status?
Ridiculous lawsuits: I believe these were conceived in the USA, but I could be mistaken. For example: People suing McDonalds for making them fat, or for their coffee being too hot and burning them when spilt. Or burgulars suing the owners of homes for injuries sustained when trespassing inside their homes. It's madness, I tell you, sheer madness.
People who get offended by swearwords: How? Why? How on earth can you be offended by a string of a few letters, for fuck's sake? Things are only offensive if we let them be. If I was to suddenly decide that 'wert' was a new swearword, would people suddenly find offence in those four letters?
People taking pictures, who say "Say cheese!": Why? What has the word 'cheese' got to do with smiles/happiness? What's so pleasing about bloody cheese? And which idiot always grins/smiles when they say cheese?
People who can't tell the difference between spelling mistakes and genuine typos: There's a clear, usually obvious difference.
People who specify too many traits that their potential partner must have: "Oh, he must be cute, sexy, tall, muscular, nice eyes, dark hair, have good fashion sense, sense of humour, funny, nice, interesting........*yawn*". Anything else you'd like to specify? Shoe size? Age at which he lost his virginity? Some people need to take a reality check, and in doing so realise that we all have flaws, and that, accordingly, no-one is perfect.
MSN Messenger releasing a new version every other day: I'm fed up of being asked if I wish to download the new version, for the fiftieth time that week. Each version is only a slight improvement on the previous one, and, at any rate, I don't really tend to reap the benefits of new versions.
People who push past you, without apologising.
Car drivers who are in a position to slow down when you're crossing the road, but who choose not to bother: OK, so they have the right of way, and some would argue that you shouldn't cross the road when a car's coming - but when roads are busy, sometimes you have to take the bull by the horns and dash across. Would it hurt drivers to slow down slightly? A little bit of understanding as to the plight of the eternal pedestrian wouldn't go amiss, buddy.
Kids who get in your way: In supermarkets and the like, you will see mothers with about five bloody kids, all of whom run around erratically, lacking the co-ordination not to almost run into you. Kids should really be kept on leads. Just kidding. But you get my picture, jackass.
People who act as though they're your friend, when in a one-one situation with you, but who act differently when in the company of others, often taking the piss and generally acting like a total twat towards you.
People who say "Everybody's equal". Of course we're not, you incurable moron. Political correctness gone flippin' mad, that's what it is. Saying that we're all equal regardless of race and gender is one thing, but Jesus, claiming that people with nicer personalities and higher intelligence levels than others are still 'equal' to them....the bloody mind boggles. The word 'superior' might as well be taken out the dictionary, mightn't it?
When you hear a track you like, or a theme tune, and someone else turns off the TV/changes the track.
Football commentary/Analysis: It's bad enough even to watch games of football (for God's sake, each match bears great resemblance to another, anyway), but analysing it after, or commentating it during? Jesus, the mind boggles. Programmes such as 'The Premiership' see retired footballers trying desperately to still be involved in Premiership football by boring people like me with their feelings about the week's matches. Des Lynam has earned God knows how much for doing this. No fair. Stick to Miracle Gro ads, Des my boy.
People who say "Being nice gets you nowhere". Talk about missing the point. If you think this way, you're not nice, anyway; people who are genuinely nice are not so for their own benefit.
Christmas cards: Why? What's the point in exchanging cards? Why? Why?, damnit. I mean, they're all pretty much the same, anyway; once you've seen one, you've seen them all. And they're all so damned inappropriately designed. They often have snow on them. Why? Do the people who design cards not realise how low the odds of Britain having a white Christmas are? And Jesus, the way they show kids with their traditional presents. What christmas cards should really depict is screaming kiddies complaining that the X-Box games console which their parents just spent a fortune on isn't the one they want. Or of drunken hooligans, stumbling around. Or of people stuffing their faces. Oh yes. And also, what's the point in sending a new card to someone every year? They might as well just dig out the old ones, and hang them up (as opposed to just throwing them away, as is usually done at present). And why are there so many problems with the post at Christmas time? Christmas cards. That's why. They slow down the delivery of important mail, damnit. If I was to do anything, I would rescue a card sent to someone, keep it, and resend it the next year. You can tell I haven't had many Christmas cards, this year, can't you? Still, when I do receive cards, I'm only too happy to be the recipient. But do I send cards back in return? Do I f**k. Muahahahaha!
Hearing someone go to the toilet: Many a time, when sitting in a toilet cubicle (usually scribbling obscenities on the wall, you understand) have my ears been met with the sound of a fat bloke in the cubicle next to me emptying his bowels. Usually, this is accompanied by a great deal of flatulence, and the resulting 'plop' as the load is released. Meanwhile, on the other side, I'll more often than not have a constipated guy, heaving and groaning in a desperate bid to relieve himself of the crap he's been carrying around with him all week. After a good 20 minutes, I will hear it slowly coming out, before the relieved guy sighs a huge sigh of relief. Oh, for the want of soundproof toilet cubicle walls.
People who look at those who get drunk as though they're scum: Jesus, you only live once. More often than not, the drunk are only harming themselves (i.e. their heard the next morning), so fair play to them.
Pizza deliverers: Morons. Unreliable, stupid, unrepentent.
Spellcheckers, and their popularity and common use: What good is it being able to spell, if any moron can appear to have perfect spelling?
Theme parks: The inclusion of this one on my 'Pet Hates' list most probably confirms your suspicions that I am, in fact, a freak of the 'first class' variety, but what gives? What fucking gives? Anyway, yeah, I believe theme parks to be overrated. In fact, I can honestly say that I have not set foot in one since August 1995, despite living in the Midlands (home to Alton Towers, Drayton Manor Park and The American Adventure). I dunno what it is.....it's just that I don't really quite see the attraction in being subjected to such great levels of g-force, and am not convinced it's good for you. The Teacups are about my limit *looks in the mirror, and sings 'Born to be wild'*.
When you're eating cereal, and have your Cornflakes/Frosties/Bran Flakes/whatever you choose to eat a morning on your spoon, are lifting it towards your mouth, and then suddenly either yawn/breath out heavily/sneeze, thus blowing the said cereal off your spoon, and all over the table. Catches me out every bloody time. Atchoo.
When shop assistants give you your change in coins and notes, with the coins on top of the notes. Anyone who knows what I mean will, errrr, know what I mean. This requires one to empty the coins into one's other hand, and then put the notes away in one's wallet/purse. However, if the cashier has the sense to hand the change over with the notes on top, you have the coins safe and firmly grasped in your hand already, and, as such, can put your money away immediately. It's the little things that are so infuriating, as they say.
When strangers add you to MSN Messenger, only to refuse to speak to you. Why add someone in the first place? Is it an exercise in trying to confuse someone? It's even more stupid and mind-boggline if the said person deleted you, having never replied to you. Hell, I didn't ask to be added.
The exchanging of gifts (at Christmas or otherwise): "It's the thought that counts". What a stupid thing to say. Thought? Not a minute, my friends; people wouldn't buy other people presents, if they weren't going to get any back. Who here buys people presents, not expecting any back from them (excluding kids, obviously)? See? Thought, my hairy ass. Giving and receiving gifts in this manner represents an inefficient use of one's resources. I mean, if you're spending as much on other people as you're getting spent on you, you're no better off. Not only this, but you're worse off. Think of it this way: You have, say, 50 quid spent on you, and spend 50 quid in return. So, technically, this leaves you in a position not too dissimilar to the one you'd be in had you just spent 50 quid on gifts for yourself, right? Wrong. Why? Because, nine times out of ten, you'd have picked something you'd get more enjoyment/use out of, if buying for yourself, than you get out of something bought for you, which you may not even bloody like. Who's the better judge of what you'll like: yourself or someone else? So, why don't we all endeavour to buy presents for ourselves, at Christmas, thus utilizing our resources more efficiently, and increasing our own utility levels? Answer: Because we're all morons.
University lecturers who treat their students like children: I'm a student, and have often found myself being treated more like a schoolkid; lecturers will demand to know for what reason you failed to attend one of their classes, or will reprimand you for being late. Listen, buddy: If you want to boss people about and speak down to them in so patronising a manner, you should go out and become a Secondary School teacher. I'm in my twenties, have paid my tuition fees, and am classed as an adult, just like you.
Hotmail's new layout - too painful to talk about.
Coronation Street: No offence to any soap fans out there, but I've outgrown watching soap operas of any description. But hell, even when I did like my soaps (Eastenders used to be a favourite of mine), I, never, never got into Coronation Street. I tried on several occasions, but could never quite make it to first break without falling off my chair. How in the name of Greek Buggery does anyone manage to find any interest in this crap? It has to be the most inane, dull programme imaginable. The characters' voices/accents are enough to put me off. Not so much the Mancunian accents, as the way the characters drone on and on. This isn't helped by the fact that, while most soaps seem to have all of about a couple of old-aged pensioners in their cast, Coronation Street seems to boast about 50. Old people are depressing at the best of times, and if I want to hear pensioners rambling about the good old days, I can buy a bus pass and sit on the bus all day. I don't need to suffer their ramblings on TV, thank you very much, Granada. Never before have I seen a programme with so many 'Veras,' 'Percys,' 'Ethels,' or whatnot. Jesus Christ, even The last of the Summer sodding Wine has a more youthful cast. Coronation Street makes Last of the Summer Wine look like Ibiza Uncovered, what with the depressing, ancient characters, and the Goddamn depressing street, which would be more at home in an Industrial Revolution factory worker History programme. How the hell does a programme like this keep going strong for almost 43 years, while a decent (well, decent in comparison, anyway) show like Eldorado get axed? The mind boggles. Coronation Street belongs in Room 101.
Pop Idol: I don't have much to say about it, wanting to maintain what very little sanity I have left in me, and all. Without knowing too much about the show (thankfully), I will say that, for one, it's existence has caused me much in the way of grief, what with hearing something or other about the Godforsaken show every other minute. It's also the kind of show that gives the under 12s yet another reason to act precocious, and anyone older who has yet to properly grow up, a reason to idolize yet another person not really deserving of such respect. Would any of the contestants featured really have got where they are were it not for their looks? I think not.
Fame Academy: See above.
Any American High School 'drama': Now, this really, really isn't meant in any way as offensive to Americans, or a knock at anything American (except for High School dramas)......but I have to say, I'm with whoever it was who mentioned these above. There seem to be a million and one American High School dramas, and each one seems remarkably like the last, somehow. They involve a cast comprised almost entirely of good looking women, and good looking, muscular guys, who all look at least 21, if not older, despite invariably being meant to be 17 (not 16 or 18, 17). Jesus, the people who play their parents don't look much older than them. A typical scene in such a programme involves a guy and a girl standing by those huge lockers, with the girl holding a folder with work in to her chest, and a guy standing with his arm resting on the locker, showing off his muscles in doing so. You never see any lessons taking place (except for the end of one, with a particularly loud bell ringing and everyone getting up to leave, clutching their folders). I often wonder why there seems to be such an obsession with making shows with characters that are supposedly about 17-years-old, and in High School. I mean, the fact that they're still in school never seems to add much to the storyline, and they always seem to insist on using a cast that looks ridiculously old for their roles. Why not just have them as being meant to be a bit older, and in University, or something? 'High School' dramas made in the UK, such as Grange Hill, are actually god to watch; their storylines reflect the school setting, and the cast look in their early-mid teens, as opposed to their early-mid twenties. The only good American High school 'drama' I ever saw, however, was Saved by the Bell, which was actually quite funny.....although still not especially school-like.
P.S. Once again, I'll remind anyone reading this that this is no way a knock at anything American, or even at American shows in general, but merely a knock at American High School dramas.
Many Chatshows: I think I've used the right term, in 'Chatshows.' I mean shows such as Jerry Springer and the like, in which the guests are simply far too ridiculous to be believed. They give the impression that the show uses a particularly low budget to bring in Theatre/Drama School rejects, who can't get acting jobs elsewhere, to pose as people with problems. They're about as convincing as the 'Daz Doorstep Challenge' adverts shown in the UK a few years back. They also portray a somewhat negative image of men, being as the bad guy of the piece tends always to be a man. What's worse, is that at the end of shows such as Jerry Springer, are shots of a lot of people who came to watch the show, seemingly having been pais to embarrass themselves and to look as stupid as humanely possible. They're like "We love you, Jerry, we love your show, you're our hero, I hope your ass is nice and clean, because if not, we'll happily lick it some more." One exception to the rule is Trisha, which features seemingly genuine, normal (albeit, often somewhat chavy/townie), not overly good looking people, with realistic sounding circumstances/problems. It comes as a breath of fresh air and gives these Chatshows a good name. Of course, this doesn't mean that I ever actually watch it. Oh no.....

Some of Jerry Springer's more civilised guests.
Songs of Praise: You know, some relatives of mine are actually heavily religious. Their 'kids' (ages between 15 and 20), my third cousins, are still made to sit in silence with their parents every Sunday afternoon and watch the programme in silence. And while their oldest is away at university, he's given strict instructions to still watch it. Hmmm. It's really great, seeing all the good little people with smiles on their faces, singing away. I mean, hey, so much trouble in the world right now, but let's just show how much faith we have in God, then everything'll be OK. We'll get our place in Heaven, yadda, yadda, yadda. Ugh.
The Antiques Roadshow: For this, I have little to say, other than that I would rather have my testicles cut off with a pair of rusty hedgeclippers, and served to me for breakfast with mintsauce. Through a straw. Up my left nostril. I mean, all it ever is is some old guy (who himself would probably get a bid put on him if he went into an antiques auction) rambling on about some old item (always something boring, like, say, a spoon/bowl), when it might have been made and where, before putting a possible value to it...oh, the sheer suspense just kills one.....and, wait for it, the look of awe and pleasant surprise on the face of the old dear whose antique it is! Wow, never a dull moment on this show! Every new episode, a new antique, another person, another location.......I can hardly contain myself! Roll on next Sunday afternoon!!!!

Antiques in their own right

Noel's House Party' is now but a Godawful memory, thank the good lord, but still, its memory haunts me and plagues my very existence. I don't mean this because it was hosted by Noel Edmunds (although, this hardly helped matters, of course - only joking), but because the co-host, for a time, was a pink-condom-like object known only as 'Mr Blobby.' The thing made even less sense than any of the Teletubbies. Belonged in a modern day kids' programme, not on a supposedly reasonably adult show.

WS_FTP's tendency to sign its users out after a mere two minutes of inactivity (if you don't have a clue what I'm talking about, please find solace in knowing you won't be alone in this).

When you want to use a cubicle in a public toilet, but the only ones available have urine/vomit/unidentifiable gunge on the seats.

Computer commands/packages: As someone who spends far too long sitting in front of a computer screen, getting more square-eyed by the nanosecond, this is an ironic choice of pet hate, but hey. As much as I love the internet, I find computer packages such as Excel and Access, confusing and boring. But my real gripe, is with the instructions etc, as well as commands that pop up on our screens, every so often? It's like "Can I have that in English, please?". The people who write such commands/programs should realise that not everyone speaks the language of computer geek. Net nerd - fine, but computer geek - no way.

People who post up numerous pics of themselves: Isn't one or two enough? It's not so bad if they're all markedly different, or actually taken in interesting surroundings, but more often than not, they're all virtually identical to one another - so what's the point?

Lorries (trucks): They're big, they're bad, they're.....lorries. They take up too much of the road. It can prove near impossible trying to see to cross the road, when a lorry's in the vicinity....and when you're stuck behind one in a car, you can't see to overtake. I hope 'Eddie Stobart' gets knocked down and killed by one of his own lorries. Twice.

Dennis the Menace: I've always wondered how a comic can justify making a character out of a bully, thus technically giving an animated role model to potential bullies everywhere. Just seems a bit odd, somehow.

Boy, do I love to hate? More hate to come......

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