Problem page

The Agony Aunt's responses are below the "problems", mine are below that.

Down the line
I've been divorced for two years now, and started seeing a new man about six months ago. He's great company, and the physical side is lovely. He also works away quite a bit. That, in itself, isn't the problem, but the fact that when he's away he likes to talk dirty to me on the phone and wants to hear me climax as he does. I feel rather uncomfortable with this. It's not something I've ever done before, and I don't really know what to do. I'm not even sure whether I approve, or if he's peculiar to want this. What do you think?

What I think isn't entirely relevant. This is one of those activities between two people that can't harm anyone else, so it's up to the two of you to decide what feels right. That said, many women feel much less easy about this than men. But it's not really that different from other fantasies. Would you feel easier if there was a pre-arranged time - say, late at night - and you could be ready with a glass of wine, music on, and prepared for a bit of romance? If you don't know what to say, could you dig into your fantasies, or read a passage from a sexy novel to him? If you really feel so uncomfortable that it puts you off him, then you have to be honest and say this isn't for you.

Give me your number and I'll help you practice.

He's such a worry
I worry a lot about my son who is 38 but still unmarried. He's had quite a few girlfriends, but they all seem to cool off just at the point where he's made it obvious that he's getting serious. He's attractive and has a good job, so I can't see what the problem is. He's really low at the moment, having been ditched by his latest girlfriend. What can I do to help?

Offer tea and sympathy is, I suppose, the short answer - as well as a listening ear, if that's the nature of your relationship. Some sons would find it difficult to confide in their mothers, but yours may be reaching an age where he is able to see you as a person, rather than a " mother ". If that is the case, then he may be amenable to an offer from you to listen and make what comments you can on his situation.

For his 39th birthday or christmas (whichever's sooner), buy him a blow-up doll. Blow-up dolls never walk out on you, however boring you are.

Has he changed?
My marriage was always stormy. My husband drank, went out with other women and we fought - but we always made up. Eventually, I couldn't take any more, and filed for divorce. Since then, my " ex " and I have both had other short-lived relationships. The other week we met up again. To my astonishment, the old magic was still there, and he obviously feels the same. He's been phoning me constantly since to suggest that we should get together and I admit I'm very tempted. My friends are horrified and keep telling me to remember all the promises he broke before. Is it really the case that people can't change?

Of course people can change. What your friends will be concerned about is whether your ex-husband really has. Certainly, if you were to decide to meet up with him again, you would have to assume that he hadn't and let him prove the opposite. Good luck.

Offer to get back with him provided he remains teetotal and can look at porn without getting a hard one.

I just can't save
I am on an average wage, and I know that I should try and save. The trouble is that I have no self-discipline. I never have had. As soon as I have any spare money, I spend it. Please can you suggest what I can do to cure myself?

One suggestion would be to set aside a small amount from your wage as soon as you get it each week, and put it into something like a 90-day account, available from banks and building societies. These accounts pay a reasonable amount of interest, but you have to give three months notice if you want to withdraw any of the money. Perhaps, if you can see how quickly the money mounts up, you'll be encouraged in the savings habit.

Set aside a small amount of money (about 95% of your income) for me to keep safely for you.

When reality strikes
Like many women, I always dreamed of being married and having children. I suppose the difference was that, in my dreams, the children always figured far more than the husband. I love my three beautiful children to bits, but the truth is that I find my husband just plain boring. I just don't find him attractive any more, and since I don't want any more children, I am fed up of pretending that I do. At the same time, I don't want to deprive my children of a father by telling him the truth. Is there an answer to my dilemma?

I suspect that the answer to your dilemma may be to develop a little humility. You love your children to bits, but I wonder how you'd cope if you were struggling to bring them up minus the husband you so dislike. Is it only the thought of depriving the children of a father which worries you, or is it the thought of struggling on without a helpmate? If you really feel so bad, it may be that your husband would also be happier living apart from you and seeing his children on his own terms from time to time. Who knows, he may even get married again - to someone who values him for himself. This, rather than your childhood fantasy, is much more likely to be how things turn out for you - and I can't help wondering how you would feel about that hard reality.

Throw your husband out, and send him to the 38-year-old who is also boring, above, to commiserate. Don't worry, you've a good 95% chance of keeping your kids, and'll still be able to get money off him. You needn't feel as guilty as perhaps you think, as, seeing as women are perceived by most lose their looks ten times as fast as men (hey, I didn't say by "me", only by "most"), chances are he finds you every bit as unattractive as you find him.

I'm like a teenager again
I'm 42 and divorced, so should know better, but I have become completely besotted by a man I've met socially. It's like I'm a teenager again. Every time I see him my heart begins to thud, and I can feel myself start to blush. I'm frightened to ask anyone anything about him in case I give myself away. I don't think I could pluck up the courage to ask him out. At the same time, I'm completely obsessed and think about him all the time. Help!

Has it ever occured to you that you don't need help, since you're obviously enjoying yourself hugely. Your attraction to this man has added excitement and drama to your life - things I suspect must have been missing from it for quite some time. As and when you are ready to act on what, at the moment, is a pure fantasy, I am sure you will find ways and means to find out more about the object of your affection and draw yourself to his attention.

42 and acting like a teenager. Shame on you! No, seriously, go for it and ask him out, but keep all this to yourself in the future. Yuck!

She's so nasty

My sister-in-law has a really cruel tongue, yet my husband keeps insisting that she doesn't mean it. I'm not claiming that she picks on me particularly, because she doesn't. She's just generally nasty to everybody, but I don't feel I want to put up with it any longer.

People who pick on others in this way are often very unhappy individuals. It's often a way of avoiding looking at their own shortcomings. Point out to your sister-in-law that she's not exactly endearing herself to people by her remarks. Don't attack her, but do her a huge favour by trying to make her aware of what she's doing to herself.

You shouldn't stand for such crap. Give her a good slap in public, and if your husband complains, give him one as well, or accuse them of incest. This ought to shut them both up. If it loses you your husband, at least you'll never have to see the bitch again.

I just can't cope
My mother-in-law is 84 and an invalid. She lives with us at my husband's insistence, even though I am not a particularly well person myself, and find it difficult to cope. We have endless rows over this, but he is adamant to see it through to the bitter end. We can't get out together and, as I can't drive, I'm stuck in all day, apart from shopping. How can I cope with what feels like a never-ending situation which I find both depressing and debilitating.

Your husband is out at work all day, and therefore has no idea what you are going through caring for someone 24 hours a day. This can be draining for even the most physically fit person to cope with. Unfortunately, your husband is so set on doing what he believes to be " the right thing " that he has failed to realise he could well end up with two invalids on his hands. What you need to do is to seek support from beyond the home. Begin by contacting the Carers' National Association, Helpline: 0345 573 369 Mon-Fri 10am-12 noon and 2pm-4pm. Don't be afraid to confide in them as you have in me. You'll be surprised at how many other members of the organisation feel as you do. You'll receive lots of emotional support. More importantly, you'll also receive lots of helpful advice on how, practically, you can improve things for yourself.

Have you not heard of nursing homes? Use her money to shove her in one. Should you not have the patience to do this, try the old "smothering to death with a pillow" trick. Works every time, and very humane as well. Actually, seeing as your husband insists that the old bat lives with you, are you sure that it's not him who should be in a home, preferably of the "mental" variety? Oh, and I fail to see why you not being able to drive means that you can't get out except for shopping. Have you not got access to whatever you use for shopping, at all times? Also, why can't you and your husband get out? If it's because the old bat can't be left alone, then surely she can't be during the day, either, and if this is so, why do you say that not having a car affects whether or not you can go out, when you wouldn't be able to go out if you did?

He's been unfaithful
My husband and I have been married for 15 years and have three children. A few months ago, I discovered that he'd had an affair with a girl of only 18. I don't want my marriage to break up, but I don't see how things can ever be the same between us again.

You're right. Of course things will never be the same between you and your husband again, but you can eventually move on from where you are now. You're hurting, and the fact that this girl is so much younger than you is adding to that hurt. But what's important here, if you do want to save your marriage, is that you both sit down and be candid with one another. He has to be honest about why he strayed and how he feels about it now, and you have to be honest about how you feel about his betrayal. You then have to discuss how you can rebuild trust between you. It's a tall order, but with commitment on both sides, I think it can be done.

Right, you want some sweet revenge, sod the "two rights don't make a wrong" crap. I'm 19, so if you pay me a small amount of money, I'll be your toy boy, and this'll have the same effect on him as his affair did on you. Just one thing. Your husband's not tough, is he?

I can't make friends
All my life I've been hopeless socially. I'm OK in a one-to-one situation, but put me in a group of people, and I become a gibbering idiot. This means that it's very difficult to make friends. There's a family wedding coming up soon and I'm dreading it.

We all have a tendency to believe the worst about ourselves when we are feeling a bit low. Try to recognise when you are having negative thoughts and train yourself to rephrase them in a more positive way. If you find yourself thinking, " I have nothing interesting to say ", counter that with the more positive and realistic, " Even just trying to put my point across more enthusiastically will make it seem more interesting to other people." Instead of thinking that no-one likes you, try the more rational approach. Ask yourself, " How do I know this is true? After all, I don't know many people and so-and-so seemed to enjoy talking to me last week." Work hard at boosting your own self-confidence, and you will find that others soon begin to share that confidence.

Put you in a group of people and you become a gibbering idiot? A life in politics is what you need. You could get far in politics with those qualities. Failing this, try one2one TV ads. Whatever happens, I'll happily be your friend:)

She's blind to his faults
I am tired of seeing my daughter and my grandchildren hurt by my son-in-law, who is basically a no-hoper. He drinks too much, is always losing his job and has twice left my daughter for other women. Despite this, she always takes him back and always seems to believe that he has turned over a new leaf. She's not a stupid girl, yet I can't get her to see that she's behaving as though she is. He's just left her again, and yet again she's in despair when the truth is she should be rejoicing.

What you say may well be very true, but it's unlikely to win your daughter over to your point of view - at least for the moment. It's not hard to understand your exasperation, as a parent, at seeing your daughter accepting such treatment. However, if she is to find the strength to stand up for herself and to demand to be treated in the way she deserves, she needs to have her confidence boosted not undermimed. Instead of criticising, concentrate on telling your daughter what a worthwhile person she is and how well she is coping, now that she is on her own. The more she can come to value herself, the more likely she is to demand that her husband values her too.

Watch out, you're obviously aged, and your son-in-law probably hates you. You could find yourself being put into an old people's home if you're not careful. Avoiding this should take precedence over anything else.

I think I should become an Agony Uncle, don't you?

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