Yes, I'm updating from uni, having finally realised that all the facilities required to do so were already installed on the laboratory's computers. Pretty 'sad' that I took so long to realise that I could update. Even sadder, perhaps, that I have both the time and inclination to do so, but there you go. I've managed now to add a proper university page, but have yet to manage to actually provide anything in the way of content, having not had any photos developed or done much in the way of things more interesting than washing. Speaking of washing, I used a washing machine for the first time, yesterday. Given this and my newfound ability to wash up, I'm in serious danger of becoming domesticated. Maybe. I've learned the hard way to empty your pockets of all tissues, before you stick them in the washing machine. Thankfully, the said tissues hadn't been used for anything more disgusting than something not very disgusting. However, certain items of underwear required having bits of tissue removed from them. This was best done out of a window, or so I thought, before I accidentally ended up dropping a pair of my boxers out of my bedroom window (my room's on the tenth floor up, incidentally), leaving me to go right down and retrieve them. It was awful, the bits of tissue were still stuck to them. Anyway, this very fine morning, I realised that I had in my possession a pair of pants that weren't mine. In the absence of a nametag sewn in, I decided that there was only thing for it, and quickly wrote out a short note:

ATTENTION:

Have you lost your PANTS????

Hello, having (finally) done my washing, I've inadvertently bought and had a pair of (rather fetching) blue PANTS in my room (or at least, having drunk heavily last night, I sincerely hope that's how I came to be in possession of another bloke's Y-fronts, I really do). I'm hereby doing the moral, just thing, and giving the owner of the said garment of underwear a chance to be reunited with his undies for the bargain price of £5 in ransom money (a cheque is acceptable ONLY in the absence of cash in hand). Just give me a knock, anytime (Room 1002). If I'm not in, feel free to leave me a note. You have a period of 14 days in which to claim your PANTS. If by this time they haven't been claimed, they will be auctioned off to the highest bidder. I trust that they've not been missed TOO much, and that the pain I've caused you has been kept to an absolute minimal.

With the gravest of apologies and all the grovelling it is possible to do, yours lovingly

A reluctant underwear kidnapper (aka Mark)x x x x

P.S. I've only worn them ONCE

I then went and stuck the said note on the wall of the most appropriate place - the launderette. I've had no luck as of yet in my search for the owner. Hopefully he'll see it when he next does his washing. I'll keep you all posted. The only potential barrier being the possibility of one of the cleaners taking the note down, cleaners being the well-known spoil sports that they are. I think it must be one of the job requirements for being a cleaner. I've not much to offer, other than this, except that this site has now been visited by none other than Nick Mercer (what do you mean, "who?"?), aka Greenclaws. This may not mean anything to the uneducated among you, and may not seem like any big deal to the stupid among those of you to whom it does, but it is a big deal, right? Greenclaws being the top show that it was. I've also been in e-mail correspondance with him, and have gotten more info. from this for my Greenclaws page. Speaking of e-mail correspondance, I've resisted the urge to paste even more 'Alex' mail until now, this being an urge I can no longer resist. My 'Alex' inbox continues to be flooded with mail from mad Alex fans. They range from the sad/serious:

I have an amazing friend who now has got Cancer for the third time. She is seriously ill at the moment in Hospital and has been incredibly brave and cheerful throughout her illness. She is one of the few unique people out there and has shown only courage. She has one very young daughter so her fight for life is extraordinary strong. She is also the only person who has ever made me feel totally humble and I have met plenty of people so that is an achievement in itself. My idea I have is maybe you could possibly visit!. Yes, I know it sounds like a crazy proposition, but she will go soon and she was a huge fan of yours and it would be just so amazing for her. Maybe you could coincide the trip with visiting PJ (I believe he is meant to be working in Bournemouth?!) Anyway she, is in the Royal Bournemouth Hospital on Ward *number was inserted here*. If you met her you could see why I am asking. Alex I am not begging you to do this I just want to make my friends time better and I know it would be. I would not pay you £££££'s but I could take you out for lunch in hip Bournemouth Town!!!!!!. I am also not some crazy fan as I am happily married. Well please please consider this and let me know it would be a huge kindness to her and she would make you laugh alot!. THANK YOU

and the uninformed:

Hey Alex yeah its cool your replying even tho were strangers i didnt mean to send you my first email as i got the email address wrong but you replied so i thought i would too.! I see your a model i just checked ya profile. thats cool i use to do abit of modeling too, well only catwalk stuff but it didnt last for long as it was only soemmthing temp as i need a job when i got back form australia.

to the quite frankly damned hard to reply to that are in danger of getting the real Alex to find out what's been going on:

Hi Alex Sean from Fesdu here! i have managed to lose all your numbers so thought i would try and see if i could get hold of you through this site! I have split up with Debbie so now living on my own in Salisbury let me know how things are going after your tv appearance speak soon take care mate

The first one almost leaves one facing a moral dilemna. The sender of the second e-mail appears to have found the e-mail address through somewhere other than Friends Reunited, and is oblivious to the fact that the person replying is supposed to be Alex from Big Brother. The sender of the third e-mail appears to be an actual friend of Alex. Hope he doesn't meet up with him and ask why he didn't reply to his e-mail. While on the (fabulous) subject of spoof profiles, someone's done a similar thing for Jade. I recognise this as such (a spoof), as the idea of Jade being able to use a computer is, quite frankly, laughable. Let alone knowing the difference between "to" and "too" and being able to use basic punctuation. Anyway, now I've discovered that working on my site at uni is entirely feasible, expect me to do so. I would say more, but my takeaway pizza won't collect itself, will it?

Well, would you Adam and Eve it, the e-mail from Alex fans just keeps coming in. What Alex fans said is italicised, my replies (where applicable) are in bold (note: It might be a good idea to read the previous update (i.e. below this one) before you continue reading this one, should you not already have done so):

• Hiya Alex!

  Don't panic.......you don't know me! I just had to write to let you know that I loved watching you on BB3. You should have won you know.

  Anyway, I hope things are going well for you and that you do really well out of your new-found-fame, better that the rest anyway!!lol

  Take care and best wishes from Port Glasgow in Scotland.

• hello sexy loved the scene in bb when you were behind the door very sexy indeed. I hope you are enjoying life outside the house!!! would love to hear from you bye for now

• Hi Alex Your the one who was in BB My sister in laws and myself surpported you all the way and voted for you to win lots of times in the finale. Good luck with your career. Love & Best wishes, Fi, Emma and Tracy

• Hey Alex,

  Thank you very much for your e-mail! It cheered me up immensley as i am having a bit of a glum day! Won't tell you all about it because i don't know you but needless to say i almost choked on the cookie i was eating when i just checked my e-mail.

  Sorry to say i didn't really watch big brother but i got the general jist of it through magazines, newspapers etc. When BB first started i was at college studying media so it was interesting to watch for research purposes ie voyeurism and such.

  Hope you don't mind me replying? i always like to expand my list of people i recieve e-mails from because i don't get many (due to all of my friends being computer illiterate or having ten children!!)

  Can i also just say that from what i did catch of big brother people were quite hard on u! Although i have given up on media as a career and am following a career in nursing (had my uni interview yesterday!!!) i still have an interest in it, can i just ask you what it is like going back to normal life after being the focus of so much media attention? That is all i will mention of BB because i am sure you are sick of talking about it and can i re-assure you that i am replying as i would anyone and not just because you are famous!

  Please reply as it does brighten my day to see i have e-mail (V sad i know!)

  Hope you are well

  Hi. It's no problem to reply, think nothing of it. I'll always reply, 'though sometimes I may take longer than others to do so, as my schedule varies a lot. If I ever do take a week or so to reply, it's because I haven't been able to get online, not because I'm ignoring you! I hope that you're having a better day, today. I laughed about the bit about you almost choking on your cookie! I'll forgive you for not watching Big Brother! I suppose that it's unavoidable, hearing about it, you'd have to live under a rock to not know something about it. It gets a great deal of media attention. I don't mind you replying at all, I also like to keep in contact with people over the net. I did get some bad publicity, yes, but I suppose that it's all part of the overall Big Brother experience. I prepared myself for it. I know that most of us got SOME bad publicity, Jade got more than me, at any rate! Going back to normal life was strange in the way you'd expect it to be, like it is when you've been away from home for a long period of time in general. It was a relief, as I was getting a little fed up of the whole thing towards the end, as you probably know. It was strange to not be under the limelight 24/7. To know that nobody was seeing what you were doing. I've been noticed a lot since Big Brother, and have had friends talk a lot about it, which is strange. It's quite a thing to be some kind of star for weeks, then fade away into obscurity. I still sometimes find the whole thing hard to take in.

  Thank you very much for your e-mail - I've had a few, now, and yours have been the best to read. You were the first to e-mail me, initially, but I've since had quite a few. Reply if you like. Take care.

  Alex xx

  Hi hun,

  I'm having a good day today because i am pretty out of it, i've been to a friends barbecue today and ended up blowing up a massive paddling pool.

  The reason i was a bit glum wads because a few weeks ago myself and my boyfriend mugged at knife point and they live near us and they're out on bail!!!

  I keep seeing them everywhere and on friday steven (bf) couldn't come to meet me from work because they were outside the pub, so i had to walk an hour on my own at ten o clock at night!

  Apart from that everything is good. I should hopefully hear back on friday whether i've been accepted to study Nursing at Huddersfield university so fingers crossed.

  So BB aside, tell me a bit about yourself! And i'll tell u anything u want to know!

  Hope to hear from you soon

• Hi Alex, Thanks so much for the reply, it was really nice of you as I expect you are very busy these days, I've seen you a couple of times on television since leaving the big brother house.

  I'm a massive big brother fan, my family laugh at me as I don't watch much television all year around and then big brother starts and I'm addicted, they say "oh, big brother's back on, we won't be getting fed for the next couple of months". Then when it finishes I get all depressed. (Maybe I just like nosing into other people's lives). I couldn't go on the programme myself though, I wouldn't have the guts, I think you're all really brave.

  Have you bothered with Adele since leaving the house? I thought you might have had a thing going on!!!! I see that the Big Brother 3 Uncut is now out in the shops, have you watched it yet? It'll be on my Christmas list anyway.

  Take care x x x

  Hi, don't worry, it's no problem replying, think nothing of it. I am fairly busy, but never too busy to reply to people who e-mail me (even if there is sometimes a delay!). I hope your family didn't starve to death this Summer, lol! I probably couldn't have gone on Big Brother a few years ago (and I don't mean because it hadn't started, lol), but you are who you are. I can understand why many people wouldn't want to go on, though, some people like their privacy too much. I haven't bothered with Adele since leaving the house, we will stay in contact, but between you and me, I don't think she's really my type! A bit too muscular for my liking! I have of course watched Big Brother 3 Uncut - I can recommend it. Thanx for your reply, hope to hear from you soon, bye x x x x

  Alex

Damn, I'm finding it hard to keep up with all of this. I only hope they don't ask anything that I, not really being Alex, will find hard to answer. Still, I've only got myself to blame. I may post the odd other e-mail/reply, but will try not to bombard you all with this Alex fan mail and correspondance. In case I don't update beforehand, I'm Plymouth bound, Saturday, where I look set to be for a good three months solid. This said, and given that I don't have my own PC, I may find it hard to get access to the facilities required to update some parts of the site (such as this one). However, I intend to post various assorted shit on the Message Board, while at uni, and will probably be adding a new page about university life. It'll probably have various relevant pictures, stuff about my Halls, perhaps the odd story, etc. I can't see it being of much interest, but hell, I'll get withdrawal symptons if I don't at least do something website related, while away. Just keep checking. Be good, kiddies, be good.

Well, isn't this a rare treat for my readers (that means both of you)? And for all of those who took a wrong turning somewhere and had the sheer misfortune of ending up here. I'm now paying for a domain name and hosting, so it would seem a somewhat stupid time to neglect the site. So, here's my attempt at not neglecting the site. Anyway, in the media, the net often receives a great deal of bad publicity. Stories concerning underaged teenagers being abducted by perverts met on internet chatrooms seem to be becoming more and more common. Chatting/corresponding with people online is cheap and easy, and can certainly be fun, maybe even rewarding, but, as the papers will tell us, people can be who they want to be, online. This is to say that the 14-year-old boy organising to meet the 14-year-old girl may actually be a middle-aged man who spends his time jerking off in front of his computer. However, online impersonation isn't always potentially harmful - sometimes potentially funny. I don't usually masquerade as someone who I'm not ('though, given my site's title, some might argue to the contrary), but found myself doing so one afternoon on the 25th of last month. While on the site Friends Reunited, I had something that I don't often have; a thought. Having done name searches on various *famous* people in the past, I thought how easy it'd be to set up a spoof. So, I did just that. The spoof account that I set up was under the name of "Alex Sibley", none other than Alex from Big Brother. If you live under a rock, or perhaps just somewhere other than the UK, you can visit the official Big Brother site if you want to know who I mean. Anyway, having set up my account successfully, and hence giving Friends Reunited members the ability to e-mail "Alex", I didn't expect much in the way of responses. Perhaps just a few, given time. Oh, Lord, was I wrong. Within 24 hours of setting it up, I'd received no fewer then 12 e-mails from people, all believing themselves to have tracked down the real Alex Sibley. Below are a select few. Their responses are italicised, my (very brief) comments are in bold. (e-mail addresses censored to protect the gullible):

• Hi Alex, are you the alex that was on big brother? if so I thought that dance you done behind the door was so funny, every time I think about it I laugh. luv Jan xx

  And every time I read this, I'll laugh

• Hi Alex, Loved you on Big Brother. All the best for your future. Deb x

  Awww, when they're as sweet as this, you almost feel guilty

• hi alex dont know you but seen you on bb3 now that its finished hope your successful in whatever you do b

• Hi Alex Thanx for entertaining me throughout the summer I'm sure you will do very well in your career Good luck xxx

  No, no, thank YOU for entertaining ME

• My reply to them:

  Hi, Lisa. I take it you know me from Big Brother. You're the first person to e-mail through Friends Reunited. I'm glad you enjoyed the show, it was certainly an experience, and thank you so much for taking the time to e-mail me. I apologise for the delay in getting back to you, I don't surf the net that much, but will reply to any e-mails. Take care xx Alex

• And the person above my reply's reply to my reply:

  Hey, I am really glad u emailed bk. me and my friend were just searching famous people to see if they were on friendsreunited!I thought u deserved to win bb instead if kate.U were really funny.Maybe we can talk sometime. Let me know when.

  Alex deserved to win instead of Kate?!

• Another reply:

  Dear Alex, Thanks very much for your email. It's good that you have the time to write to people. You must be very busy with your new lifestyle and all it entails. You were great fun to watch on Big Brother and I'm sure you'll make a success of other things that you do. Keep in touch if you have time. Take care of yourself

  If only she knew who it really was

  But not everyone fell for it:

• WHO ARE YOU TRYING TO KID! I THINK ITS A BIT WEIRD THAT IF YOU ARE ALEX YOU ONLY ENTERED YOUR INFO AFTER BB AND DIDN'T EVEN MENTION IT!!!

  Yeah, OK, you've got me there, Smartass

• lol, haha, no-one will believe you.

  You wanna bet?

OK, so it's not exactly riveting stuff, but it amused me. I'll post any interesting replies/e-mails I get. They're still coming in fairly fast. I replied to everyone - all were women. Perhaps if I'd have posed as Kate, things would have been different. I really do hope that none of the people who e-mailled "me" see this update. Mind you, as a person with an I.Q. (just a little) above zero, I know that the chances of that happening are exceptionally low. However, should the very above happen, I hereby apologise. Not for doing it, but for calling you "gullible". I'll try and update quicker than before 75 days are up, this time, but would be encouraged to do so more if someone would sign my Goddamned Guestbook. Take the hint. I'll end by wishing everyone who reads this in time a happy Friday the 13th.

True to my word, I've added to the Drunken antics page. Click to learn about how my window got smashed. What I didn't include, however, was the convo I had with the foreign bitch who I had to report to, the following morning:

Me (looking rather sheepish): I had a rather unfortunate accident, last night, and, well, slammed my window too hard, smashing it

Foreign bitch (looking scary): Whya you slamma the window, do you not know issa glass?

Me: Fuck me! Really? A window made of glass? Here? Jesus, they keep up with all the latest fads, here....hang on *taps on desk*, that can't be wood, surely...

Foreign bitch: So, how did youa managea that, you sarcastica feckwheat?

Me: Well, you know how it is, I was a bit pi..., sorry, wanker...., shitfa.., DRUNK.

Foreign bitch: Ah! Ia not be so lenient with you now Ia know that, you shouldn't get drunk

Me (shamelessly mocking her...not English accent): The exams have justa finished, therea hall eventsa planned, and youa tella mea that I wasa going too far? Jesus Christ, I bet you were a laugh a flippin' minute when you were ata uni....hang on, you hadn't worked out that I was drunk?

Foreign bitch (brandishing a stapler): Get out of my sight! Youa English wanker! I'm going to make youa paya the full cost ofa the window! Double glazed! Plus inconvenience costs!

I don't know exactly what happened after that, but I swear I heard the sound of glass breaking. Onto other things. On trying to log on to Friends Reunited, yesterday, I was informed that the e-mail address was not found. On trying to register again under the same e-mail address, I was informed that I had been removed for creating a "false or abusive entry". Pitying the moron who had found my notes offensive, I decided to contact Friends Reunied and complain, with the idea of trying to avoid paying another £5 to become a member. And to be a complete asshole. I sent the below e-mail (using a different e-mail address altogether), and have yet to be graced with a reply:

Hello. On trying to log in, today, I was informed that the e-mail address was not found. On trying to register again under the same e-mail address, I was informed that I had been removed for creating a "false or abusive entry". However, my notes were neither false or abusive, assuming this use of the word "false" to mean under someone else's name. I have signed up again, but am hereby asking for a refund on my membership fee. I paid for a year, I want a year, not two months. I am not paying again, I expect to have membership for two years for £5 or it paid to me. If something is not done about this, I will make things very unpleasant for you at FR, and don't think I won't. Don't forget, you've already had legal problems with the Memory Boards' contents - I could use this to my advantage. I expect a reply, pronto, and an explanation of why I was deleted. My old address was blahblahblah@hotmail.com. I expect you to know what I put in my notes. Remember, I have the power to make things very nasty for you. You have been warned.

OK, not incredibly intimidating, but I have ideas up my sleeve. I'll post any replies I receive from them, and any more threatening e-mails which I choose to send. Before I finish on the subject of Friends Reunited, check this out. But not if you're fat, oh no, not if you're fat. Friggin' hilarious. I had another piss up in hall, and I'll write about it, soon. For now, I'll just divulge that it makes anything else I've ever done while drunk seem minor. Now I'm home, I should be updating daily, pretty much. And, for once, I mean it.

Last night, something weird happened to me. So weird, in fact, that I'm going to devote the majority of this update to it. At 3 am, having been lying on my bed, thinking, I opened my eyes (the light was out) to see the guy who lives opposite me on the corridor, crouched down behing one of my chairs, with a girl from my halls, looking at me. They were just past the end of my bed. Or so I thought. At first, I believed them to be really there, before I, for whatever reason, realised that it was merely some sort of hallucination that I was having, similar to the one that I had in the early hours of March 16th (see the latest drunken antic). I got up, being careful not to disturb the both of them, and turned the light on. The two of them vanished. What I'd thought was two people from my halls, was actually my sports bag, on top of my other chair, which was to the left of the chair that I'd seen them to be crouched to the left of. So, I turned the light back off. As I was walking back to my bed, I noticed a blonde guy's head, on my desk, smiling at me. On looking around my room for a little longer, I saw a girl, similar in appearence to the one which I pulled Saturday night, sitting on my chair. So, I turned the light on, once again. Not surprisingly, they all vanished. The blonde guy's head was, in the light, a Shredded Wheat box. Although I knew there was nothing to be frightened of, I was a little worried, basically about going insane. I hadn't been drinking, that night, but had been the two previous nights, and many others within the past week. I was hoping that it was down to a high caffeine intake and the associated lack of sleep (the past few nights had seen me have only two or three hours' sleep on each), but was already wondering if I'd taken anything without being aware of having done so. Anyway, after five minutes, I turned the light off. Had the five minutes' time elapse prevented me from getting anymore of these visions? No. The guy opposite me, the random girl from my Halls next to him, girl I'd possibly pulled and guy's head had been joined by two girls from down the corridor from me, sitting on my desk. What looked like this, however, proved to actually be my X-Box and computer. What looked, in the dark, to be the girl I pulled, was really my shirt and trousers (which made its debut on March 16th, "playing" a girl my mate pulled, and some guy). As I lay down on my bed, trying not to feel self-conscious, what with all the visitors, a fat bloke from my Halls appeared through my door. I knew full well that it was really my two coats, hung on the door, but it was all getting a little bit too freaky for my liking, by this time. As I got up to turn the light back on, I stood still and looked around. The six people and guy's head who were, apparently, in some sort of room gathering held in my room, had all started moving, in some way or another. Two people were snogging, one was waving, one swaying. Also, I noticed the guy nextdoor to me, between my bed and my desk, and someone or other behind my bed. The person behind my bed was a sleeping bag. I don't know who the guy nextdoor was "played" by. I turned the light on, and went back to sleep - light still on - imagining what it would be like to be so popular as to have eight people and a head make it to your room at the same time. The only time I've had this before was in the early hours of March 16th. I'd been drinking heavily, that night, and at any rate, that was minor compared with this. Basically, in the dark, various objects in my room appeared to be actual people, most of whom I knew. There seems little logic in this; the objects in question were all a lot smaller than your average person, yet, seriously, the people looked 3D and very real. I kid you not, it looked, to me, just like what it would have done if all eight people had really been there, in the dark. And the head, of course. The whole thing wouldn't be quite as strange if the "people" hadn't been moving. Another strange thing is, unlike on March 16th, I hadn't been sleeping, beforehand. I had just been lying down in the dark, with my eyes closed, thinking. So it couldn't have been a continuation of an actual dream. I can only think (and hope) that it was all down to me thinking a lot about the people "featured", too much caffeine and a lack of sleep. I hope it doesn't happen again. I wouldn't want to see anything more sinister/scary than my corridor mates waving at me, whilst grinning inanely. Or some guy I don't know's head. I wonder if it could go the other way. If I fell asleep and someone was in my room, would I open my eyes and mistake them for my X-Box, and start trying to play them? Or wear a fat guy? Or maybe even open up some guy's head, to try to get a shredded wheat out. Jesus, this stuff almost sounds supernatural. I've heard of people seeing things, but never of having their possessions double as people. Anyway, hope I haven't freaked anyone out. I'm still working on the site, so any broken links should soon be..fixed. And yes, there should be more drunken antics up soon. Oh, and if you were wondering, I didn't dream up the whole thing I've just mentioned - I wrote down stuff I saw in the middle of it all happening, and still have the piece of paper which I wrote it on.

The sodding Golden Jubilee of the Queen is on Monday, and some people from my road have organised a party in the park, on account of this. Great. I never originally anticipated widespread celebration, like there was at the time of the Silver Jubilee, when numerous people organised street parties. There was considerably more enthusiasm for the monarchy, then. In fact, I heard recently that an opinion poll taken in the early Sixties showed one third of the population believed the Queen had been placed by God to reign over us. Adoration of royalty has been a casualty of the passing of the Age of Deference, I am glad to say. Mind you, they have brought a lot of it on themselves. They are fornicators to a man, they spend their time and our money socialising, drinking and drug-abusing (I don't care if I am beginning to sound somewhat hypocritical), and get divorced at the drop of a tiara. One good thing about the Labour Party is they are not a bunch of sycophants, and do not thrust even more money at them, unlike the Tories. While I am not a fanatical anti-royal, I wish they would get their act together. When the chips are down, people would choose to have the Queen as head of state rather than a President Blair. Even Australians voted to retain the Queen as head of state. And at the end of the day, they have great soap value (Royals, not Australians). But I'd see it as a measure of our sophistication if we were not to indulge in mindless flag-waving just because someone with a certain genetic identity had been in place 50 years. And I won't even start on the insignificance of the year.

From: Anne Mayes
To: politically_incorrect_smartass@hotmail.com
Subject: Enquiry
Date: Fri, 24 May 2002
We might be interested, but I think that your e-mail was one of the most off putting that I have ever read. It starts with your e-mail address which is both too long and not funny. You cast doubts on B'ham's willingness to give you a reference which is not comforting, you refer to "personal problems" and then talk about "bothering" to apply. More details please and the name and contact details of your tutor at Birmingham.

From: politically_incorrect_smartass@hotmail.com
To: A.C.Mayes@exeter.ac.uk
I find it nothing short of mind boggling that you bring up my e-mail address in your reply. Especially the length of it. What can its length possibly matter to anyone other than me? I'm the one who has to type it in. And since when has an e-mail address, in itself, been funny? It's not supposed to be funny. If I'd been so desperate for a funny e-mail address, I'd have had "have you heard about the Irishman who thought that copper nitrate was his overtime payments@hotmail.com". Are e-mail addresses asked for sternly on UCAS forms? I think not. OK, overlooking your blatant lack of a sense of humour, I talk about "bothering" to apply, as I have only five choices which I can put down. This said, do you really think that I want to be putting down universities that I stand no chance of getting into? Exeter is a good university. I, given my circumstances, perhaps stand a much greater chance of getting into one of the less academic ones, hence me being a bit weary of "bothering" to apply. Don't wanna waste a choice. Do you understand, yet? I can't believe that you in any way took me mentioning "bothering" to mean that I was in any way half-hearted in my applying to university in general. I can understand the B'ham not giving me a reference bit being off-putting, but as for the other points you bought up, the mind boggles. Have you considered asking your current students for their personal e-mail addresses, in case you find any people who should never have been allowed into the department? Don't bother replying. If Exeter employs morons such as yourself, who bring up trivial, irrelevant, unimportant things such as the e-mail addresses of potential applicants - and then let these cloud their judgement of them and cause them to misinterpret things - to deal with SERIOUS enquiries regarding applications, I'd rather look elsewhere. Have a nice day :-)

Does anyone think I'll still get in? Anyway, I am now officially in possession of an X-Box (and 11 games, 2 controllers and the DVD playback kit, with 4 DVDs), and you're probably not, which is quite Goddamned funny, in my opinion at least. The DVDs I have include American Pie 2, Road Trip (both of which are hilarious) and Willo the Wisp, which was one of the best ever kids' programmes. A lot of the criticisms of the X-Box seem, to me, to be totally unfair. It does not weigh a tonne, its size is exaggerated, and its controller fitted quite nicely into my 19.5 cm long hands. I've found that having an X-Box makes you extremely popular with others. I seem to have met more people from Halls in the last few weeks than the previous seven months. Yeah, I'm like a 10-year-old again, all excited with his new toy. Totally smitten. I've yet to kiss it goodnight or assign it its own name, but I'm planning on getting even more games for it, so I figure it's only a matter of time until I do. So, one more reason not to go out. And another thing, I've purchased the domain www.smartass.org.uk, so feel free to make use of the new address. That's about it, but, as unlikely as it may sound, I intend to update again very soon, and am going to be going out getting wasted, this week, so hopefully some drunken antics will follow.

Being a lazy fuck in a self-catered university hall, and barely capable of using a microwave, it's often attractive to make use of fast food. This said, being as they always dump about 5,000 leaflets in my hall, and being as I never learn, I often order pizza to be delivered from Valentino's, 400 Bearwood Road, Smethwick, Birmingham. Sounds very simple, as ordering pizza tends to be. But no, not with this Goddamned place. Allow me to take you through a typical routine of getting a pizza from them: I consult pizza menu, blu-tacked to my room's wall, decide what I want, perhaps invite someone else to join me in the "Buy one pizza, get one free" deal, and then walk to the payphone, in my hall. So, I put in the 20p, dial 0-1-2-1-4-3-4-3-1-1-1, then the conversation tends to go something like this ( what I am thinking is in italics, underneath what I actually say ):

Retard from Valentino's: Hello, Valentino's

Me: Hi, could I order a pizza to be delivered, please?

Retard from Valentino's: Collection or delivery?

Me: Delivery
De-li-ve-red....DELIVERY

Retard from Valentino's: What would you like?

Me: Regular Texas BBQ, please

Retard from Valentino's: Regular Texas BBQ?

Me: Yeah...

Retard from Valentino's: So, you'd like the two for one?

Me:yeah
No, I couldn't possibly bring myself to accept a free pizza..

Retard from Valentino's: Where's that to?

Me: Shackleton Hall

Retard from Valentino's: Shaddleton Hall?!

Me: SHACKLETON HALL
Sh-ack-le-ton Hall, you know, that place where your business delivers pizza to each day, normally to my good self

Retard from Valentino's: Shackleton Hall?

Me: Yeah
The penny's dropped!

Retard from Valentino's: Wyddrington or Lake Wing?

Me: Lake Wing
Lake Wing, moron. That's where the entrance is, Wyddrington's doors are never open, there's no choice but to deliver to the Lake Wing, that's why when you ask this stupid question, without fail, the answer is always "Lake Wing", not because Wyddrington Wingers are obsessed with healthy eating, allergic to pizza or too sensible to order from your Godforsaken place

Retard from Valentino's: Lake Wing?

Me: Yeah

Retard from Valentino's: Lake Wing?

Me: Yeah
Yes!

Retard from Valentino's: Lake Wing?

Me: Yeah
YES! Would you cut the fucking echo, tard?

Retard from Valentino's: Lake Wing?

Me: YES! ( having realised that the money's about to run out, and that there isn't time to repeatedly confirm the wing )
For fuck's sake, "Wyddrington" and "Lake" sound nothing like each other. How the hell can anyone find the need to confirm what I've said three times?

Retard from Valentino's: OK, telephone number, please?

Me: *Cheers* *Gives a mobile number or makes one up*

Retard from Valentino's: So, regular Texas BBQ?

Me: Yeah

Are you sure one wouldn't like to repeat that three times, too?

Retard from Valentino's: Lake Wing?

Me: Yeah
I'm going to kill the next person who I hear say "Lake Wing", I swear

Retard from Valentino's: OK, thank you, bye

Me: How long will it be?

Retard from Valentino's: 40 minutes, bye

Money runs out

So, with the most painful bit out the way, I wait. And wait. After about an hour and no call to say it's ready, I go down to reception, to wait. And wait. After time, I ring them back. No need to distinguish between what I think and what I say. People tend to speak their minds when hungry and pissed off:

Retard from Valentino's: Hello, Valentino's

Me: Hi, I ordered a pizza to be delivered to Shackleton Hall, and it should have been here half an hour ago

Retard from Valentino's: Where to?

Me: SHACKLETON HALL

Retard from Valentino's: WE COULDN'T GET THROUGH TO YOU, WE RANG YOU 10 MINUTES AGO, YOUR MOBILE WASN'T ON

Me: IT WAS! IT IS! AND YOU WEREN'T HERE 10 MINUTES AGO!

Retard from Valentino's: Look, give us five minutes, bye

He hangs up. Fifteen minutes later...

Retard from Valentino's: Hello, Valentino's

Me: Where is my pizza?!

Retard from Valentino's: It's there, they're there now, waiting in the Lake Wing car park!

Me: They're not! I'm looking out ONTO the Lake Wing car park, there's no-one there!

Retard from Valentino's: LISTEN, GIVE US FIVE MINUTES, BYE

He slams the phone down.

Fifteen minutes later, and more than an hour late, an unapologetic pizza deliverer comes, acting as if he's on time, and thrusts them at me. I pay him £6, getting rid of as many coppers as possible. Usually about £2's worth. He hands me about 5,000 leaflets to go with the other 5,000 in reception. I vow never to order from Valentino's again. Damned fuckwits. I love the way they always act as if you've pissed them off, when you ring about your pizza being half an hour late. Trust me, that's how bad it is, with very few exceptions out of all of the many times I've used them. The record for being late currently stands at 1 hour, 50 minutes ( we waited 2 hours, 35 minutes, that time ). If you live in the UK, feel free to prank phone them on 0121 434 3111. Should you live in the Birmingham area, feel free to order food from them. Make sure you order just after you've had lunch, though, if aiming to get it for teatime.

If you've got MSN Messenger, I can recommend adding mantigore@hotmail.com to your list. He's one helluva funny, yet dangerous guy, who can track you down via your "IPS" number. Below are extracts from things he said in a convo I had with him. I've not included anything I said, as nothing I could ever say would even be nearly as funny as what he said. I also didn't actually have time to say much. Instead, I've included what I was thinking at the time, below some of the extracts:

Killer of Muslims, Christians, Jews, Hindus. Socialism, Century Society etc. Hail Israel/Ariel Sharon. Heil Hitler! Sieg Heil! says:
who the hell are u ?
Gee, nice to meet you, too.

Killer of Muslims, Christians, Jews, Hindus. Socialism, Century Society etc. Hail Israel/Ariel Sharon. Heil Hitler! Sieg Heil! says:
friend of amar? who are u how did u get my add and what u want, anser now or you shall be hunted.

Killer of Muslims, Christians, Jews, Hindus. Socialism, Century Society etc. Hail Israel/Ariel Sharon. Heil Hitler! Sieg Heil! says:
i have your i.p.s and your details.
Is he dyslexic?

Killer of Muslims, Christians, Jews, Hindus. Socialism, Century Society etc. Hail Israel/Ariel Sharon. Heil Hitler! Sieg Heil! says:
so you better anser real soon, or your heading for big trouble
The education system sure failed this guy.

Killer of Muslims, Christians, Jews, Hindus. Socialism, Century Society etc. Hail Israel/Ariel Sharon. Heil Hitler! Sieg Heil! says:
it means i can hack into your computer , find out who you are, where you are, what you look like, destroy your machine, then come get you
Someone really needs to check what kind of mushrooms they're eating.

Killer of Muslims, Christians, Jews, Hindus. Socialism, Century Society etc. Hail Israel/Ariel Sharon. Heil Hitler! Sieg Heil! says:
well you better speak up, or i am going to pay you a visit
To put it in more simple terms...

Killer of Muslims, Christians, Jews, Hindus. Socialism, Century Society etc. Hail Israel/Ariel Sharon. Heil Hitler! Sieg Heil! says:
what country are u in and whats ur age.
Has he forgotten that he can find this from my "IPS" number?

Killer of Muslims, Christians, Jews, Hindus. Socialism, Century Society etc. Hail Israel/Ariel Sharon. Heil Hitler! Sieg Heil! says:
and dont lie, it will make it worse.
Ah, he's just asking me to see if I'd lie, I get it.

Killer of Muslims, Christians, Jews, Hindus. Socialism, Century Society etc. Hail Israel/Ariel Sharon. Heil Hitler! Sieg Heil! says:
if this has ANYTHING todo with my brother, you are all gonna die
His parents had more than one child? Scary.

Killer of Muslims, Christians, Jews, Hindus. Socialism, Century Society etc. Hail Israel/Ariel Sharon. Heil Hitler! Sieg Heil! says:
you have 10 mins.
He can count up to 10? Well, shit.

Killer of Muslims, Christians, Jews, Hindus. Socialism, Century Society etc. Hail Israel/Ariel Sharon. Heil Hitler! Sieg Heil! says:
After this time i will contact my partners, and you will be sorted.
He needs partners' help? What sort of pretend dangerous hacker is he?

Killer of Muslims, Christians, Jews, Hindus. Socialism, Century Society etc. Hail Israel/Ariel Sharon. Heil Hitler! Sieg Heil! says:
7 mins
Those 3 minutes went real quick.

Killer of Muslims, Christians, Jews, Hindus. Socialism, Century Society etc. Hail Israel/Ariel Sharon. Heil Hitler! Sieg Heil! says:
you being hunted.
What's me being hunted?

Killer of Muslims, Christians, Jews, Hindus. Socialism, Century Society etc. Hail Israel/Ariel Sharon. Heil Hitler! Sieg Heil! says:
i am an important person belonging to several underground organisations, strange people who appear from nowhere are to be hunted down
Refugees aren't that bad.....

Killer of Muslims, Christians, Jews, Hindus. Socialism, Century Society etc. Hail Israel/Ariel Sharon. Heil Hitler! Sieg Heil! says:
if you have to meet us in person, you wont be looking so happy believe me
No, I'd be crying from laughter, I should think.

Killer of Muslims, Christians, Jews, Hindus. Socialism, Century Society etc. Hail Israel/Ariel Sharon. Heil Hitler! Sieg Heil! says:
when this time is up, me and my partners will contact our associates, who will track your location. Apon tracking your location, we will pay you a visit.
You, partners, associates? How many more intermediaries?

Killer of Muslims, Christians, Jews, Hindus. Socialism, Century Society etc. Hail Israel/Ariel Sharon. Heil Hitler! Sieg Heil! says:
3 mins
*Sets stopwatch*.

Killer of Muslims, Christians, Jews, Hindus. Socialism, Century Society etc. Hail Israel/Ariel Sharon. Heil Hitler! Sieg Heil! says:
im going to personally smash your face in
I thought he had associates to do that?

Killer of Muslims, Christians, Jews, Hindus. Socialism, Century Society etc. Hail Israel/Ariel Sharon. Heil Hitler! Sieg Heil! says:
1 min
I can hardly contain myself.

Killer of Muslims, Christians, Jews, Hindus. Socialism, Century Society etc. Hail Israel/Ariel Sharon. Heil Hitler! Sieg Heil! says:
your time is up.
Does he really expect me to be scared?

Killer of Muslims, Christians, Jews, Hindus. Socialism, Century Society etc. Hail Israel/Ariel Sharon. Heil Hitler! Sieg Heil! says:
buy what you will, hide all you may. you will be tracked shortly. Mr smith & co will see to that. You can spead the message when we visit you to all your friends.
With his imagination, couldn't he have thought of a more original name for his imaginary gang leader than "Smith"? I'm disappointed.

Killer of Muslims, Christians, Jews, Hindus. Socialism, Century Society etc. Hail Israel/Ariel Sharon. Heil Hitler! Sieg Heil! says:
thats to bad, your going to find out what its like in the next realm. Mr smith has been left a message. he will shortly be conduting the investigation into your exactly location

Killer of Muslims, Christians, Jews, Hindus. Socialism, Century Society etc. Hail Israel/Ariel Sharon. Heil Hitler! Sieg Heil! says:
Mr smith is a legendary team of hackers since the dawn of time, your location will be faxed directly to us, we will then proceed to visit you.
Thanx for the background info.

Killer of Muslims, Christians, Jews, Hindus. Socialism, Century Society etc. Hail Israel/Ariel Sharon. Heil Hitler! Sieg Heil! says:
the more i know about you the more i am going to fracture your face when i meet you
My face looks to remain unfractured for some time, then.

Killer of Muslims, Christians, Jews, Hindus. Socialism, Century Society etc. Hail Israel/Ariel Sharon. Heil Hitler! Sieg Heil! says:
hitlet killed himself because he would have been killed by someone else if he didnt. His legacy lives on in people like us. Prepare to know fear.
Those History lessons in school certainly paid off, you almost sound like you know what you're talking about, buddy.

Killer of Muslims, Christians, Jews, Hindus. Socialism, Century Society etc. Hail Israel/Ariel Sharon. Heil Hitler! Sieg Heil! says:
i am 7'1 , if your looking for JJ, you wont find him here, he is a henchman to be.
Errr, was that even meant to go to me?

Killer of Muslims, Christians, Jews, Hindus. Socialism, Century Society etc. Hail Israel/Ariel Sharon. Hail Hitler! Sieg Heil! says:
you have not explained what i asked of you, therefore you are getting deleted. alf weiderzein
It appears that his German's as bad as his ability to intimidate.

Killer of Muslims, Christians, Jews, Hindus. Socialism, Century Society etc. Hail Israel/Ariel Sharon. Hail Hitler! Sieg Heil! says:
associates will be visiting 5 locations shortly
Is 5 a random number he came up with?

As you can see, he's highly amusing and highly original. So, what are you waiting for, add him. If you reckon you can stop yourself dying of laughter, that is. As a sidenote, I also got an e-mail off him, shortly after my time had ran out ( by which time I was terrified ), that said the following:

You time passed. Now you are being hunted, we know your in england, we will send some friends to visit you when mr smith has discovered the exact location. You will pay for your ignorance

I was surprised that, half an hour on, they still hadn't tracked me down.... Jesus, there should be laws against being so Goddamned funny. Anyway, if you have MSN, try it. Now that you're here, use the Message Board, too. Get to it.

The other day, I got an e-mail saying this:

Dear Friend

I am Tim Mark , the director in charge of auditing and accounting section of Eco Banque Lome,Republic of Togo with due respect and regard. I have decided to contact you on a business transaction that will be very beneficial to both of us at the end of the transaction .

During our investigation and auditing in this bank, my department came across a very huge sum of money belonging to a deceased person who died on november 1997 in an auto crash and the fund has been dormant in his account with this Bank without any claim of the fund in our custody either from his family or relation before our discovery to this development. Although personally,I keep this information secret within myself and partners to enable the whole plans and idea be profitable and successful during the time of execution. The said amount was us$5M (Five million united states dollars). As it may interest you to know, I got your impressive information through the business directory at chamber of commerce and Industry here in Lome- Togo where I was seaching for a good relaible contact to do the business with.

I was elated the time I saw your address to propose the business to you. Meanwhile all the whole arrangement to put claim over this fund as the bonafide next of kin to the deceased, get the required approval and transfer this money to a foreign account has been put in place and directives and needed information will be relayed to you as soon as you indicate your interest and willingness to assist us and also benefit your self to this great business opportunity. In fact I could have done this deal alone but because of my position in this country as a civil servant,we are not allowed to operate a foreign account and would eventually raise an eye brow on my side during the time of transfer because I work in this bank.

This is the actual reason why it will require a second party or fellow who will forward claims as the next of kin with affidavit of trust of oath to the Bank and also present a foreign account where he will need the money to be re-transferred into on his request as it may be after due verification and clarification by the correspondent branch of the bank,where the whole money will be remitted from to your own designation bank account. I will not fail to inform you that this transaction is 100% risk free. On smooth conclusion of this transaction, you will be entitled to 35% of the total sum as gratification, while 5% will be set aside to take care of expenses that may arise during the time of transfer and also telephone bills,while 60% will be for me and my partners. Please,you have been adviced to keep top secret as we are still in service and intend to retire from service after we conclude this deal with you. I will be monitoring the whole situation here in this bank until you confirm the money in your account. and ask us to come down to your country for subsequent sharing of the fund according to percentages previously indicated and further investment, either in your country or any country you advice us to invest in. All other necessary information will be sent to you when I hear from you. I suggest you get back to me as soon as possible stating your wish in this deal.My telephone number is 00-228-9103274 Best Regard, MR TIM MARK NOTE THAT WITH THE TRUST I HAVE IN YOU I STILL PERMIT YOU TO RECOMMEND ANY PERSON OF YOUR CHOICE IF YOU ARE INCAPABLE TO TRANSACT THIS DEAL WITH ME.

I'm currently in Liverpool, staying with a mate in his university halls. The area is typical of urban Liverpool. Muggings and rape are common. Makes me feel glad I'm neither rich or sexy. I've been going a bit over the top, lately, spending money on anything that is bad for me. The people here are a right laugh, spend hours in room gatherings smoking weed, eating pizza and playing playstation 2, while having mad discussions. People back at my halls seem to favour card games and scrabble, the boring bastards. On Monday night, we went out to Vodbull, the cheap Vodka and Red Bull drinks student night. This night proved fairly eventful. I ended up talking to 2 girls, and the bloke they were with apparently looked as though he was going to kill me. They said he was paranoid and protective. I was oblivious to the fact that someone wanted my blood. I don't even remember all this, I'm relying, as always, on those that do. When we left the club, we were all pretty pissed, and as we went past a pub, someone suggested stealing the pub sign. I got lifted up on someone's shoulders, and started trying to yank it down. At this point, some bloke appeared, and yelled "Oi, that's my local!" ( said, of course, in a cool, comical Scouse accent ), and hit my mate ( who, ironically enough, was not doing a thing ) on the cheek, and then on the nose, causing him to fall to the ground, bleeding. Apparently, he hit me, too, but I don't remember this, and don't have a mark on me. As such, I'm morally obligated to feel guilty. When we got back, after getting a pizza - a daily thing for me - there had been a big fight outside halls. It was the aftermath, and about 50 ppl were around. One person with us was trying to get involved, and had to be calmed down. People had been in the pond and someone had chucked a bin in it. It really is pretty mad round here. We got back and went to someone's room, there then followed a heavy smoking session. This was at about 3, and we sat on the bed smoking for hours and watching films. We were still there at 7.50, watching Jaws. I was the only one awake, so woke my mate up and suggested going to bed. I purchased an inflatable bed and pump, in Liverpool, as on the first night I slept on the floor, which was a nightmare. Last night, we just went in someone's room smoking and going on his playstation 2. We later went to the bar and my mate was paranoid about people knowing he'd been smoking. I almost asked for a pint of cannabis, instead of a pint of Carling. The train journey here was annoying, I had to get off before Liverpool Lime Street, because someone jumped off a bridge and so trains had to be stopped for the body to be removed. Fine time to commit suicide, some people simply have no consideration. With a mate in Birmingham, going back to last week, we went to a club Fri and Sat. On Sat, I went to the toilet and wouldn't come out. I was sick down myself, and had my head in my lap, was almost in an unconscious state. My mate kept trying to get me to come out by shouting over from the other cubicle to me, and ended up filling a bottle up with water, and chucking it over me, but to no avail. He ended up kicking the door down. In the end, security shouted at me to get up, and finally got me up and dragged me out the club, pushing me out the door. First time I've ever been thrown out a club. I spent £40 that night. It seems ironic, in some ways, to be removed from a club for being too pissed, as that's the point of going, kind of. They should have been grateful that I'd spent so much money. I hear on the news that Princess Margaret has died, meaning the seemingly immortal Queen Mother has outlived her daughter. Come to think of it, she'll probably outlive me. I suspect that the public will all over-react about a death which was long overdue. Christ, she'd lived a lifestyle similar to mine for years, without doing much in the way of good things. She was lucky to live as long as she did. I've heard her described as a waste of oxygen before, anyway. I'm sure that her death won't dominate the media in the same way that Princess Diana's death did, though ( thank God ).

This is my first update from uni and the first Friday night here where I'm not getting wasted. Owing to the fact that it is Friday night, I'm the only non goofy teethed, non bespectacled person in the computer labs. I was last out on Wednesday night, went to a club with some mates from my floor. I made the mistake of eating too much pizza ( which I'd had for three days in a row ) before going, and then drinking Foster's. I like having pizzas delivered, because the empty boxes make a good stand for my T.V. aerial, dubbed " The leaning tower of pizza boxes". Anyway, that night I'd had quite a few pints, had just downed a couple, and then got a couple more. By this time, my mates were going to the dance floor, while I stayed to finish my drinks. After this, the memories are not clear, but I ended up going to another room, and spotted someone I recognised from my old school and college. It transpired that he was with one of my old mates from back home, and he lead me to him. However, I don't think that I was capable of intelligent conversation ( assuming I ever am ) by this time, and so didn't get to find out anything more about what he'd been doing since I last saw him. I woke up the next morning with absolutely no idea how I'd got home, my last memory was being in the club with the people from back home. It's pretty freaky when you can't remember how you got home. Anyway, soon after I woke up, I realised that I had sick down my pillowcase, bedspread, trousers and shoes. I dread to think who I was sick in front of. I called upon witnesses who could account for my whereabouts that night, but no-one could help. Still, it's hardly the first time I've had substantial memory loss. Unlike many times after going out drinking, I actually had more than a few pence left in my wallet, but still seemed to have spent a worrying amount. The problem with going home drunk is that taxi drivers sometimes take advantage of the state you're in by charging you too much. It kind of seems like a miracle to me that I got home at all, actually. So, that's the latest on my drunken antics. Not as interesting to read about as most of the other ones, but I'm sure there'll be others, especially seeing as I've still got 16 cans of lager in my fridge. I'll try and get another update done soon, hopefully the next one won't be done on a Friday night, though.

It's now possible to have a link to your site added to this one in a new section, provided your site has a permanent link to mine up, and a permanent permanent one at that, not just one that's permanent until your site is safely linked. So, this said, feel free to use the code given to link me ( or it can be a text link ), assuming you haven't already, and to go to "Your links". One other exception is sites that are too perverse. For example, sites showing pictures of people having sex with animals will not be best welcomed. I'm not sure why I'm explaining this, as I'll actually be reviewing the "suitability" of sites before they're added, but I guess it saves the time of people running beastiality sites and/or sites that don't link me ( I'm not sure which are worse ). Anyway, however bad your site is, if it links me and isn't too perverse, it's welcome in the new section. Don't worry if it doesn't show up straight away, I'm a bit slow at things, so it could take a few days from when you submit it. Changing the subject ( perhaps not before time ), thanks to fellow Smartass "Gin Of Arc" for using the Message Board. You can check out his site here. I would go into detail about how I spent New Year, but I honestly can't remember much, which is enough said. Remember that the only thing significant about today is that the Euro was launched. So, make use of the new Links Section, and expect an update not done merely for the sake of it, soon.

Well, what d'ya know, it's the end of yet another year. I guess I've achieved even less this year than I did last year, if that could happen, but I'll spare you all the crap that you got in last year's New Year's Eve update. I actually made some New Year's resolutions in my Jan 1st update ( hell, this is shameful ). Which ones did I stick to?

• Make the site better: I guess ( not difficult )
• Learn to drive: Not legally
• Get a job : Eventually
• Save some money: No, quite the opposite
• Pump bike tyres up: Can't remember
• Get to bed before 3 am: Rarely
• Get up before midday: Even more rarely
• Have a shave: Yes

Well, at least you can be certain that there'll be no New Year's resolutions tomorrow. There is no astronomical significance of January 1st, technically it's just another day. If it wasn't for our calendar, no-one would be doing anything out of the ordinary tonight. New Year is not even an excuse to drink too much, when the day ending in a "y" is an excuse for drinking too much. I don't give a toss where I spend the end of the year, as I sure as hell don't expect to remember much of it ( purely because the day ends in a "y", you understand ). Now I've made it clear about New Year's insignificance, I'll shut up about it. This leaves me with little else to say, except to post something on the Message Board, whoever you are, whatever you have to say. The lack of activity on it is driving me insane. Also, the more observant of the site's visitors will have noticed the removal of some links in favour of the code required to link me. Make of this what you will. This update is one that will be all too familiar to those of you accustomed to visiting my site. One which isn't even remotely interesting, isn't funny and is just done for the sake of it. You know you love them. I would finish by saying that I hope you have a Happy New Year, and that 2002 brings you all you hope for, but that'd be too tacky, predictable and last year's New Year's Eve updatey. So, I'll just finish the year's updating by saying that I hope I don't kill myself tonight, and that I wish the neighbours would quit setting off the Goddamn fireworks.

Christmas Day was wet. Christmas cards should have rain on them, not snow, I've decided. I won't bore anyone with details on how my Christmas was, except to say that it was marginally less fun than last year. Now, ever wondered how gullible anyone can get? Who the most gullible person in the world is? Wonder no more, it's Dave from Leeds ( see People that suck Article ), and here is the proof. Who's who? Rebecca = me, Dave Linzie 4 eva = Dave, Nature's Lukewarm Pleasure = Michael ( see This website's greatest fans Article ). Basically, I was on MSN Messenger under a girl's name, pretending to be a girl ( don't worry, I don't make a habit of this ). Michael came on and pretended to be my boyfriend ( don't worry, he doesn't make a habit of this ), and we somehow got into this. It starts after Dave started taking the piss out of "my boyfriend", and as I begin to stick up for "my boyfriend", by messaging Dave with verbal abuse. Please note, this is not my usual style of abusing people:

Rebecca says:
twat

Dave Linzie 4 eva says:
slag!

Rebecca says:
leave my bf alone

Dave Linzie 4 eva says:
hes a fuckin pussy

Dave Linzie 4 eva says:
make me!

Rebecca says:
u don't know him

Dave Linzie 4 eva says:
i dont know u but i still fuked ya

Rebecca says:
u r probably a virgin

Dave Linzie 4 eva says:
SO IS YA MOM

Dave Linzie 4 eva says:
AND YA BF

Rebecca says:
impossible

Dave Linzie 4 eva says:
BUT I DONT BLAME HIM CUZ WHOD SHAG U

Rebecca says:
u don't know me

Dave Linzie 4 eva says:
GOOD IM GLAD

Dave Linzie 4 eva says:
I DONT KNOW YA BF BUT I STILL RIP DA PISS

Rebecca says:
I will show u my pic if u want

Dave Linzie 4 eva says:
GO 4 IT

Rebecca says:
hang on, I'll send it

I send a picture of a fat "minger"

Waiting for Dave Linzie 4 eva to accept the file "me.jpg" (30 Kb, less than 1 minute with a 28.8 modem). Please wait for a response or Cancel (Alt+Q) the file transfer.

Transfer of file "me.jpg" has been accepted by Dave Linzie 4 eva . Starting transfer...

Transfer of "me.jpg" is complete.

Dave Linzie 4 eva says:
THATS A FUCKIN SIGHT 4 SORE EYES

Dave Linzie 4 eva says:
OMG THAQT IS THE FUNNIEST THING I VE SEEN ALL YR

Rebecca says:
I am not ashamed

Dave Linzie 4 eva says:
NEITHER AM I

Dave Linzie 4 eva says:
IM JUS PISSIN MESEN LAFFIN

Rebecca says:
I'll try to find my bf's pic

Dave Linzie 4 eva says:
THIS SHUD B FUNNY

Dave Linzie 4 eva says:
U FAT MINGER U ON MINGERS.COM COZ I SWEAR THATS WGERE I SAW U

I send a pic of a "minger"

Waiting for Dave Linzie 4 eva to accept the file "Michael.jpg" (12 Kb, less than 1 minute with a 28.8 modem). Please wait for a response or Cancel (Alt+Q) the file transfer.

Transfer of file "Michael.jpg" has been accepted by Dave Linzie 4 eva . Starting transfer...

Transfer of "Michael.jpg" is complete.

Dave Linzie 4 eva says:
HES A UCKIN GOON R U BLIND

Dave Linzie 4 eva says:
THEN AGAIN THATS BOUT THE BEST U CUD DO

Rebecca says:
he is lovely, and here he comes...

Nature's Lukewarm Pleasure has been added to the conversation.

Rebecca says:
Hi, sexy x x x

Nature's Lukewarm Pleasure says:
hi darling xxxxx

Dave Linzie 4 eva says:
LMAO

Dave Linzie 4 eva says:
THEM PICS r u?

Nature's Lukewarm Pleasure says:
u sent them my pic?!

Dave Linzie 4 eva says:
LMAO

Dave Linzie 4 eva says:
SHE SENT 1 OF THIS GOON

Rebecca says:
no!!!!

Nature's Lukewarm Pleasure says:
i am most certainly not a goon

Dave Linzie 4 eva says:
U MAKE ME LAF GOON

I message Dave separately, and tell him not to send my bf the pic I sent him of him, in pm. This is a plot to ensure that he believes the pic is really my bf, through deliberately causing him to send Michael the pic, and telling him to say it's him and act angry at me sending it - which works, and Dave sends Michael the pic of "him". "I" am not aware of this.

Dave Linzie 4 eva says:
OK

Rebecca says:
?

Dave Linzie 4 eva says:
LMAO

Dave Linzie 4 eva says:
MU HA HA HA HA

Rebecca says:
what?

Dave Linzie 4 eva says:
ITS DUN ISE SENT HIM IT

Nature's Lukewarm Pleasure says:
yeah

Rebecca says:
Mike? Sorry

Rebecca says:
he called u a goon!

Nature's Lukewarm Pleasure says:
who did?

Rebecca says:
him!

Dave Linzie 4 eva says:
u goon

Nature's Lukewarm Pleasure says:
thankyou ladyboy

Dave Linzie 4 eva says:
goon

Nature's Lukewarm Pleasure says:
why u being so mean

Dave Linzie 4 eva says:
u a goon and ure gf a fat thing

Rebecca says:
shut it!!!!

Dave Linzie 4 eva says:
shutup fat ass

Nature's Lukewarm Pleasure says:
oi

Dave Linzie 4 eva says:
and u goony

Nature's Lukewarm Pleasure says:
and you dave

Rebecca says:
hate u!

Dave Linzie 4 eva says:
good

Nature's Lukewarm Pleasure says:
calm down sweetheart

Dave Linzie 4 eva says:
lmao

Rebecca says:
I love u

Dave Linzie 4 eva says:
dont u mean calm down lard arse]

Rebecca says:
please say u love me

Nature's Lukewarm Pleasure says:
but why did u send mr illiteracy my pic?

Rebecca says:
'cause I am proud of u, like u're proud of me

Nature's Lukewarm Pleasure says:
but u shudn't have sent that pic

Dave Linzie 4 eva says:
Rebecca says:
Dave i love u really and i want u to see just how ugly he really is

Rebecca says:
i never said that!!!!!

Nature's Lukewarm Pleasure says:
did u say that?

Dave Linzie 4 eva says:
tut tut tut rebecca

Rebecca says:
no!!!

Dave Linzie 4 eva says:
u shouldnt have

Rebecca says:
i never!

Dave Linzie 4 eva says:
i thought u loved that goon!

Nature's Lukewarm Pleasure says:
i didn't think u were that shallow

Rebecca says:
I'm not!

Rebecca says:
he is a wanker!!!!!!!!

Nature's Lukewarm Pleasure says:
shut up dave u imbecile

Nature's Lukewarm Pleasure says:
obviously

Rebecca says:
batter him!

Nature's Lukewarm Pleasure says:
but thats no excuse

Rebecca says:
my bf's a boxer, so shut up!!!!!!!

Dave Linzie 4 eva says:
HA HA HA so is my dog

Nature's Lukewarm Pleasure says:
don't tell them that an all

Nature's Lukewarm Pleasure says:
fuck sake rebecca

Around now, I message Michael and tell him to "dump" me in the near future

Dave Linzie 4 eva says:
Rebecca says:
Please don't tell him anything else. All i want 2 do is get rid of him and be with you Dave.

Nature's Lukewarm Pleasure says:
rebecca

Rebecca says:
liar!

Nature's Lukewarm Pleasure says:
did u say that?????

Dave Linzie 4 eva says:
i swear she did

Nature's Lukewarm Pleasure says:
you cow. I'd understand if Dave was even remotely intelligent, but....

Nature's Lukewarm Pleasure says:
this is a fucking embarrassment

Dave Linzie 4 eva says:
brb need a fag

Nature's Lukewarm Pleasure says:
you r a fag

Dave Linzie 4 eva says:
well ure gf is afta me so i cant b that bad!

Nature's Lukewarm Pleasure says:
believe me u r

Dave Linzie 4 eva says:
Rebecca says:
Dave stop telling him because he will end up getting really mad and i don't want that

Dave Linzie 4 eva says:
goon!even ure gf dont want u

Dave Linzie 4 eva says:
u retard!

Nature's Lukewarm Pleasure says:
y did u slag me off to him

Rebecca says:
I never!

Nature's Lukewarm Pleasure says:
how the fuck could u

Rebecca says:
don't believe him, please

Nature's Lukewarm Pleasure says:
you 2 timing bitch

Rebecca says:
no!!!!!!!!!

Rebecca says:
I would never cheat on you, you're sexy and nice and all I could ask for

Nature's Lukewarm Pleasure says:
i thought u were nice as well

Rebecca says:
I am!

Nature's Lukewarm Pleasure says:
how wrong can a guy be

Rebecca says:
I am upset now....as wrong as Dave's mum was when she chose NOT to have Dave aborted!

Nature's Lukewarm Pleasure says:
how d'you think i feel, bitch

Rebecca says:
I love u. It hurts to hear you call me a bitch

Nature's Lukewarm Pleasure says:
to learn that u fancy some muppet called Dave

Dave Linzie 4 eva says:
muppet!

I am also in another convo with Dave, begging him to stop lying, in an attempt to add realism to the situation. However, Dave doesn't even admit he's lying, even without "my boyfriend" being there

Rebecca says:
he's even trying to convince ME I said those things

Rebecca says:
he fancies me, but fuck him!

Dave Linzie 4 eva says:
y would i want 2???i have a gf

Rebecca says:
Dave, Mike is twice the man u r!

Nature's Lukewarm Pleasure says:
your gf = your right hand?

Rebecca says:
lol! U r soo funny, darling

Dave Linzie 4 eva says:
ure gf = a 2 timin *****

Nature's Lukewarm Pleasure says:
have u fucked 'Dave'? You'd better be honest with me

Rebecca says:
no!!!!!!!

Nature's Lukewarm Pleasure says:
hmmmm

Rebecca says:
Dave has been trying it on with me for ages, but I always say no, because I am so in love with you

Nature's Lukewarm Pleasure says:
then y all those things, they suggest a different picture

Rebecca says:
I didn't say them, he's lying!

Nature's Lukewarm Pleasure says:
no u r a cheating bitch

Rebecca says:
no!!!!

Nature's Lukewarm Pleasure says:
in fact i think we should split

Typing gets fast and furious, here

Rebecca says:
no!!!!!!!!!

Rebecca says:
please

Rebecca says:
I love you

Rebecca says:
please

Rebecca says:
x x x x x x x

Nature's Lukewarm Pleasure says:
we're finished

Rebecca says:
it's lies!!!!

Nature's Lukewarm Pleasure says:
bitch

Rebecca says:
no!!!!!!

Nature's Lukewarm Pleasure says:
you & dave deserve each other

Nature's Lukewarm Pleasure has left the conversation.

Rebecca says:
u wanker!!!!!!!!

Dave Linzie 4 eva says:
haha!!!!!

Rebecca says:
he's gone!!!!!!!!

Dave Linzie 4 eva says:
ure the 1 who chatted me up

Rebecca says:
he won't talk to me! He's dumped me

Rebecca says:
r u happy!!!!!

Dave Linzie 4 eva says:
ure fault..and yes

Rebecca says:
what the fuck!!!! Why try to tell me I said that when I know I didn't

Dave Linzie 4 eva says:
Rebecca says:
Dave i love u i just want u to be with me

Dave Linzie 4 eva says:
see!!!

Dave Linzie 4 eva says:
nope, ure a 2 timin ugly fat cow and i wouldnt go wit u if u were the last livin thing on earth

Rebecca says:
u have split up me and my bf, I am crying, you bastard

Dave Linzie 4 eva says:
u jus cant take the truth

Rebecca says:
u r a stupid kid!

Dave Linzie 4 eva says:
im 17

Rebecca says:
I would not look at u twice!

Dave Linzie 4 eva says:
i wouldnt look at u once neva mind twice

Rebecca says:
u r a wanker, he's blocked and deleted me!

Dave Linzie 4 eva says:
yup

Dave Linzie 4 eva says:
go 2 bed and cry u daft sod

Rebecca says:
you've caused all this trouble, it's up to YOU to sort it out

Rebecca says:
e-mail him and tell him it's lies

Dave Linzie 4 eva says:
nope

Rebecca says:
if u can't get me back together with him, you've got to go out with me yourself

Dave Linzie 4 eva says:
i wills ee wot me gf has 2 say

Rebecca says:
invite her, to prove you have one

Dave Linzie 4 eva says:
shes at my house

Rebecca says:
U?! An offline gf? Ha! Has she seen this?

Rebecca says:
dump her, go out with me!!!! Or get us back together!!!!

Rebecca says:
what's ur gf's email address then? If she exists

Dave Linzie 4 eva says:
she dont go online cuz she livs wit me

Rebecca says:
I could live with you instead

Dave Linzie 4 eva says:
u could but the house aint big enuf

Dave Linzie 4 eva says:
fat ass!

Rebecca says:
wanker!!!!

Dave Linzie 4 eva says:
yep

Rebecca says:
u don't wank, u don't have a magnifying glass and tweezers

At around this point, I tell Michael to come back and break it to him that the pics aren't real

Rebecca says:
he's back!!!!! Don't go spreading any crap now

Nature's Lukewarm Pleasure has been added to the conversation.

Nature's Lukewarm Pleasure says:
i looked in the mirror and the pic isn't me after all

Rebecca says:
come to think of it..mine isn't, either!

Rebecca says:
u know, mine's the wrong sex....

Rebecca says:
phew!

Nature's Lukewarm Pleasure says:
that was lucky

Rebecca says:
gullible twat!!!!

Nature's Lukewarm Pleasure says:
and what's more, we aren't even going out together

Rebecca says:
yet...

Rebecca says:
man, you are not only gullible, but thorougly evil

Dave Linzie 4 eva says:
yup

Rebecca says:
my site's visitors will see this

Nature's Lukewarm Pleasure says:
heh

Rebecca says:
I'll tell them not to e-mail u abuse, but I can't make any promises....

Nature's Lukewarm Pleasure says:
heh

Rebecca says:
anyway, go and wank over the fat minger

Dave Linzie 4 eva says:
already have

Rebecca says:
good old http://www.uglypeople.com

Rebecca says:
I have the e-mail addresses of the ppl whose pics they are, I'll tell them you're interested.....

Dave Linzie 4 eva has left the conversation

Rebecca says:
Mike, any chance of anymore of that hot sex we had earlier?

Nature's Lukewarm Pleasure says:
coming rightup

Rebecca says:
yay!!!!!!!!!!

And that is what kept me amused in the early hours of Boxing Day. I think I am good at online female impersonation. Notice how he tried to convince me I said the things he made up. Is he very stupid, or did he just think I was? I favour the former. When you wonder if people think you're stupid, they normally don't -