Warning: Reading these may cause you to lose every scrap of sanity you ever had. Just don't ask what was going through my head when I wrote these. Or what I'd taken.

• Ninety-six athletic tortoises have been offering banjo lessons to privately educated boxes of pencil sharpenings, in a vain attempt to distinguish the uppermost shelf of eccentric, biologically upgraded fungus brick, from an every day bottle of spinning earthquake ointment. This has resulted in catapults named Frederick being taken through erotic pnuematic drill sets bearing six different acronyms from the south of an 85-year-old jigsaw puzzle. Stiletto heels have gone up in affluence, following the justification of the ecological indifference of a conspicuous, ardent, blatant, ridiculously reprimandable mass of elbow grease, which was reported to have been arguing over the new legislation preventing the walking on leads of sexually ambiguous dandelions. Mirth is to become a delicacy, provided the knuckles of Japanese sailors can consume all preconceptions exceeding sumptuous allocation levels. Witnesses are being called for, after a suicidal coat hanger was said to have been seen leaving its home with a suitcase full of clockwork puppet castraters. It is believed that the idea of ensuring that the oxymoronical vegetarin turnip was the key to this brilliant plan. Celebrations are under way, following the opening of a sealed labyrinth of glue stained mortar embedded in an inexplicably insociable torrent of candle wax marsupials. The reasons for which are entirely unknown, but are not necessarily 200% unconnected with the 0.00008% increase of tarnished polish hiccups as a common family pet.

• We have reports just in that a flurry of vibrating trombone cases has escaped from a maximum security jail, where they were serving ten years for toilet-brush-shaped custard bowl smuggling. Reported sightings of them merrily boarding a plane set for Timbuctoo have yet to be confirmed, though as a safety precaution, all fire alarms in the locality have been dismantled and packed away into retractable fish tanks. Yesterday night, a blasted gorilla breeding tampon was said to have broke into the pocket of the raincoat of every bi-sexual ant farmer in the world, and has escaped with the inevitable seventy-six tonnes' worth of mashed potato, accordingly. The pink wardrobe industry are devastated by this, and their only consolation is that the bungee jumping clothes peg show starts tomorrow. Speaking of which, washing lines have been spotted water-skiing as a means of protecting their ever-decreasing indentity parades. Shoelaces are believed to have been forming protests through empty sweet tubes, following their raise in price. It is believed that they feel used by this, and are generally fed up by the astonishing lack of oil in empty paper bags and the associated edible sin. Pots of semen have been mistaken for tear-inducing, vomit shield breaking drumkit imperonsations, though only at a time as such that the Red Sea white-water rafting team's mascot is only just beginning to forge the attentions of a rather embellishing blodge of charismatic dwarf hair.

• It is now an official requirement to have a permit to be constipated, following the dramtic and highly untimely entrance of six and twenty dozen illuminated cattle pokes, who, it is believed, were in search of baked bean-shaped fire extinguishers to use in order to establish a firm disapproval of the common scooter which has a habit of disappearing up blocked noses, especially when money is involved. Plans are now underway to ban religious centipedes from attending auctions. It is hoped that this will stick ancient, modern day cavemen's noses to the chests of 45 irritated school buses. Yesterday night, 245 sheep tanglers left their farms in support of the increasing amounts of oil dropping from the sky, in hope that walnuts will be less likely to thaw out over white sand, in future. An infuriated telephone box was spotted leaving a sperm bank with a sandwich box filled with what is believed to be a cure for the common cold, and is wanted for the abduction of horses, accordingly.

• Army tanks are to be fitted out with standard friendly pulley systems, following Government plans to rid empty fields of all guitar playing hypocrites, in a desperate bid to wipe out all forms of orang-utang breeding. Up to the minute feedback confirms that as from eight years ago, it is now compulsory to include morbid sleeping pills in every kind of hyperactive sandwich box, meaning many a travelling drumstick shall end up perched on the outerside of a chocolate muppet vender. An alcoholic earwig is believed to have been hit by a jolly, stampeding drawing pin, which was itself at the centre of great, debatable irony in the form of self-adhesive condoms specially designed for use only during solstice months. It hasn't been unyearningly confirmed, but banging one's great uncle's first love's head vigorously against a wet paper bag is now possibly to become a cure for sleeping bag rummaging, all should be revealed any time before yesterday, provided none are deterred from deciphering severe gashes to the side of the groin, thus relieving all inadequacies regarding sledge hammer patting. A bar has banned soundful music, following a particularly nasty and painful incident in which the ability to leap bounds of air freshener was put under question by a mob of eventful cheetahs. This comes just days after a lovesick fox sporting a compatible, aesthetically pleasing catapult became embedded on the farther side of a highly sensitive straw of life shattering compromise. The war between bathroom scales and your average soap bottle last night came to a dramatic, booming end, when a lap dancer was reported to have become the first train driver to walk, unaided, over dry water tamed only by the sheer indifference of dumb intelligence. Many arrived to watch this blatant understanding of how a clockwork mice finds time to socialise. The weather is expected to travel south in order to indulge in a bevy of masturbating kindly, the reasons why shall become transparent any time after air is made redundant.

• It has just been confirmed that a disabled shrimp with a squint has been attacked by a teenaged hyena with a curtain pole, who was believed to have something of a fetish for fire extinguishers. This will come as a shock to locals everywhere, who thought that the idea behind the misconception was that caps were to be worn back to front. Be on the look out for an escaped telephone box. Lamposts have been believed to have gone on strike, campaigning for shorter working hours and better pay. Spokesperson for the lamposts' accosiation, Refdhgshjhd Nhgdhgwd, said "Oooooh, suits you!". Employers refused to be interviewed, however. If action isn't taken soon, every sex shop in the land could be forced to close, with the exception, possibly, of those running from the inside of a crisp packet, although nothing is yet certain, except for the abolishment of the inflatable dart board in the brothel, on every day but a Sunday, anyway. A car carrying 34 vicars is believed to have crashed into a gigantic, ferocious castle made of orange tissues. All passengers had to be treated for shock, although none are believed to have been badly injured, albeit for the iguana. A lake in a nearby park was set fire to by a mob of horny old-aged pensioners, in an attempt to increase pension amounts and lower funeral expenses. Needless to say, their efforts did not go to waste, and old people's homes have now all been supplied with 1,000 yamaha motorcycles. The effect that this will have on tic-tac sales has yet to be hypothesised, but it's certain that pianos won't remain for much longer. Enough to shoot peanut butter into the livers of pandas everywhere.

• It has long been believed that golfing driving instructors hold the key to eternal shrubbery, pie shop workers last night confirmed this by indulging in a spate of anal pleasure. A 18-year-old aardvark was last night turned down at a bar, before escaping and driving off in a Ford pick up trick which wasn't even blue. Fire fighters everywhere were this morning tackling a particularly nasty torrent of chocolate flavoured custard which was wanted for manslaughter, the reasons for which are yet to be deduced, however. A circus clown was spotted riding a unicycle down a very busy road whilst doing the seemingly impossible and screaming tears out at an incredible rate. This incident is believed to be connected in some way to the distinct lack of kippers joining bowling clubs, a situation which motorcycle manufacturers are keen to change for the sheer good of bi-sexual koalas everywhere. Winds have been damaging and destroying homes everywhere, in fact only this afternoon, a purple lion tamer was reported to have been seen running for presidency. A 45-year-old stamp collector has devised a device for drying towels, many large retailers are already believed to have expressed interest in retailing. The increase in imports coming from overseas is expanding greatly, causing the average trailer park much mirth. And happy birthday to Greter Harrison, the downright 35-year-old watchmaker who turns 21 today. Celebrations are currently under way to construct a large building capable of much laughter. This could seriously mean the end of Capitalism, and I don't mean the edible type. Laws are under way to prevent the growth of every type of fence, following the erection of sausage like disfigurements everywhere. Enough to spark a flu epidemic among gibbons everywhere.

• Double negatives have now been proven to be an effective substitute for lawn mowers, provided the sun rises before apocalypse, that is. A runaway bag of compost was spotted attempting to avoid dancing round in circles, quite possibly due to the inadequacies of the average sandwich filler, although this hasn't been confirmed in the mind of a typical cab driver. Eagles tend to do the obligatory thing and join bowling clubs, indeed many a fox has been known to sport a goatee increasing their sex appeal no end, meaning the chances of seeing a homicidal kangaroo are even lower than ever before.

• There's no avoiding the fact that cabbages tend to be more flexible when being used as goalposts by drunken sheep shaggers on a Sunday. Bridges have a habit of chilling too soon, leaving various brands of hay to burn in rows of six. Roses now market moderately well,albeit for the occasional slump in the armpit of a raving Muslim. However, the misconception that coal makes a good substitute for anal hair tends to lead armies of banjo playing kung fu enthusiasts by the dozen. Let's also not forget the trampolining truck drivers, either. Doing so would prove fruitful to say the least. Patio slabs make good golf clubs, similar, I'd say, to the way that spot cream makes bubbles if you bang your head hard enough on your pillow. Music plays fast and furiously in the head of a kleptomaniac, though this is by no means an excuse for rapidly vibrating a carrot on a signpost. Animals make friends most efficiently when being pursued by the odd homosexual vicar, making relationships between civil servants that bit more difficult. What is elgturnery? The answer would be more straightforward if beer went down in compatibility. Stranger things than rain have happened, though few are aware of this, at least on a regular basis. A blow for engineering is indeed portrayed in many fields. Advice is helpful to Maoris, mainly due to the fact that fuel contains more calories than the average baseball bat. Resistance is useless, but not feasible.

• A socially inept packet of genetically hampered salted peanuts was spotted escaping from a delinquant, secondhand rubber duck shop, yesterday, and posing quite a threat to an elephant's dead roller-skate in doing so. An abundance of dyslexic bananas bore common witness to this act of sheer technological incompetence, and are believed to have chased after it, whilst brandishing a mentally deficient tree branch, laughter permitting. All this happened in less time than it took a leather jacket-wearing cigarette stump to motorcycle down a canalbank backwards, it has been said. Scientific breakthroughs have proved that disabled pterodactyls' laptops are best served chilled, although critics persist to insist that surely six million mud huts can't be this psychotic. Either way, it gives rise to the absolute idea that the planet has some way to go before it gains independence from sock, drawing excessive attention to the obvious connection between relevance, disarray and crooked walking sticks. Tension mounted, last night, as convicted mousemats displayed shocking levels of disapproval as regards the potential to oppress flying clownhats. At one point, things got out of hand, and asthmatic roundabouts begun to regurgitate drawing pins, despite the presence of 876 anorexic balloons, who, it is understood, hadn't seen a cow made of dumplings since the last tandem bicycle travelled to Mexico. A dustbin was last night said to be in a critical condition, following an incident of assault. An umbrella was being queried in connection with this, and was being held by the ears by police, last night. This incident comes just several days after a sustainable amount of breakfast cereal took to trampolining in what can only be described as a "spasmodic" fashion. Having stolen the hearts of genuine similes, darkness then crept through the hole in the lives of fanatical television sets. As one would expect, degraded chunks of utter degeneration are now all but foolproof. And when a carton of undefined, blood-spurting fragment of pitiful confusion arrives by horse and cart, we will all be blowing benches out of our cupboards.